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The Bachelorette Episode 2 Recap

Wow, that was awkward. I mean it was just two straight hours of uneasy situations that nobody, not even the audience could enjoy.

My wife at multiple times just simply put her head in her hand and I would turn and ask “are you okay?” thinking she was reacting poorly to dinner. When in reality she admitted she just couldn’t watch it was too uneasy.

My face was in a constant Michael Scott look for the entire night.

I have never related to this GIF as much as I do now, because this was my face for two hours straight.

Speaking of The Office, there are usually two episodes that come to mind for people when it comes to awkwardness from that show. The first is “The Dinner Party.”

Which to be completely honest, might be my favorite episode of the show. It’s downright hilarious in my opinion. A master class of subtle humor.

And then there is “Scott’s Tots.” That is the episode that I cannot stand to watch, it’s too much for me. And for me that was last night all over again. I just watched “Scott’s Tots” for two hours straight. Yikes.

But it is my job to break down what happened for you. If you didn’t get a chance to catch my week one break down, be sure to check on that first.

First Date Ya Feel Me?

We had our first date of the season for Clare. The date was themed after love languages.

First was words of affirmation. Each guy had to go talk to Clare who was on some makeshift balcony and express their love for her.

Which was nice and all, until you realized us men once we get past nice, hashed out poems are a bunch of big dumb dumb heads.

She would say something back like “thank you” and “I’ve never had a man say something so nice about me like that before” and they would respond along the lines of, “Sure no problem.” We men are idiots, I am fine living in that reality.

The second love language was gifts. Each guy had to quickly run and find Clare a gift from their room. Not much happened here, except for that we got this incredible meme from my man Bennett.

Connecticut Casual, am I right Bennett?

The final love language was touch. Both Clare and the Bachelors had to be blindfolded as they, well touched each other. This was the first true awkward moment of the night.

Dale picked up Clare at one point which got some looks from the back of the class like “wait what?”

The final love language was quality time, which Chris Harrison tried to be clever and use the excuse that it would just be the cocktail party.

And this is where things got super awkward. Clare came in and made a quick toast and then sat there. Usually some guy is suppose to already be dragging her by the hand away to chat for a little while. Nope, nothing.

I mean first off, who is that one guy, “We respect you and ourselves” going on about? Cool, dude awesome good for you, I’d hope you already respected the Bachelorette.

And then Bennett. For starters, in episode one he mentioned how he doesn’t like to be known as “the Harvard guy.” And then he immediately starts off with that when Clare asks him about himself. Luckily for him he might be able to bring it up later because it goes in one ear and out the other.

Clare couldn’t pay attention to him because she was so miffed at nobody stepping up to ask for some time. So she left him there while she went to chew out the other men sitting there having bro time.

The part I had to rewind and watch one hundred times was the “Can I have some quality time please?”

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Like dude what is this? Fourth grade asking your teacher if you can go to the bathroom? I wish Clare had pulled the classic teacher move there.

“Can you? Yes. May you get some quality time? No.”

And again, Bennett just left hanging…

Oh and then we get to Yosef. Remember Yosef is already sus from episode one where Tyler C. brought up to his attention that he knew Yosef is already shady and DM’ing girls on the side before hopping on the show.

Yosef self reported to Clare who took his side and gave him a rose and sent Tyler C. home.

Now that mistake is coming back to rear it’s ugly head. Yosef calls Clare crazy for thinking the guys don’t care about her.

He took immediate offense to Clare feeling embarrassed. Toss this guy into the ocean. But in due time, we are not done with him yet.

My Inner Demons

We have another professional football player on the squad everyone. Meet Jason Foster and as I write this (October 21) Happy Birthday to Jason!

But I digress, Jason was a professional offensive lineman. He played his college ball at the local University of Rhode Island (RHODY RHODY RHODY). He was like Dale and Eazy, where he was on some practice squads in the NFL but for the most part found a career in the CFL.

Looking at Jason you would not imagine that he use to be 300 pounds. But offensive lineman sometimes shed those pounds when their playing days are done.

I suggest you go through that thread and check it out, seriously once they have to stop eating 4,000 calories a day to keep their monstrous size for the NFL they slim down to become herculean looking men.

Focusing on the date however it was all about trying to overcome the past. He and Clare yelled into nothing and then had to write down what other people have said about them.

It sort of got dark because Jason brought up that he’s very guarded, very secretive about his past. And that he doesn’t like to let people in, because once he does it becomes too much for them to handle.

I mean yikes dude, maybe don’t get on a nationally televised reality show if you have that many demons and baggage then?

I think he did well? I mean he did say that people have called him manipulative and selfish. To which Clare responded with, “usually that’s the type of men I go for, but I feel like you’re different.”

*eye roll*

That response right there is all I need to know as to why she is 39 and single. She is a classic, he is broken and I will fix him. And then down the road wonder what went wrong.

the Five D’s of Dodgeball: Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive and D*cks

Ready for more awkward? The second date of the night was dodgeball. With the group split into two teams and the winning team getting to spend the cocktail hour with Clare.

A pretty standard date idea, they did this on the last Bachelor with the girls playing a football game to get to spend time with Pete.

However there was one big difference in dodgeball. Clare decided to make it a game of strip dodgeball….

I mean, just so so sooooo cringeworthy…

First though, I need to address that ref. Take it easy man. I mean he is telling these guys to strip with authority, have some touch dude. I mean Matthew McConaughey wasn’t a drill sergeant on Magic Mike.

The cringiest part for me however was at the end, some guys decide to just completely strip down naked and Clare just takes it all in. I suppose good for her, take what you can get. But it’s still just so awkward to watch.

And then she asks for hugs? With their manhood just blowing in the breeze?

Clare is about to be on the remix version of WAP.

So the losing team, had to make the walk of shame back. With either nothing, or basically a loin cloth between their family jewels and the cruel, cruel world. They reunite with their brethren and explain why on God’s good green earth they are in their birthday suits during a date to the other guys.

Most guys think it’s pretty funny, some think they need new furniture after a few guys sit down on the nice clean furniture. And then there is one guy who is outraged by the sight of another mans ding dong.

Any guesses on who that grumpy, stick in the mud is? Anybody?

It’s our buddy Yosef. He was disgusted by Clare making the guys play strip dodgeball. Absolutely enraged and he vowed to bring that up to Clare at the next rose ceremony (spoiler alert it will be next week).

At first I thought Yosef was just being his usual “ughhhh” self. But there are actually plenty of people outraged by Clare’s game of strip dodgeball.

Look I get it, if the role was reversed and the Bachelor was asking the women to play strip-whatever the show would be canceled and Chris Harrison would be thrown in prison. Only Donald Trump can get away with that sort of blatant sexual harassment.

But I also wasn’t offended by what happened. Maybe it’s because I work for a baseball team, I have been in a locker room before it’s only a big deal if you make it one.

Is it fair? No, but life isn’t fair. They had black boxes for you, imagine if this show was on HBO.

Rules Are Meant to Be Broken

So as I mentioned, the winning team from dodgeball got to spend the rest of the night with Clare, the losers did not.

Well that did not sit well with the human look alike to a Large Mouth Bass, Blake Moynes.

A Large Mouth Bass was the description I thought of, luckily Twitter had plenty more.

The loss did not sit well with Blake at all. While the other guys chuckled at having to drop their pants, Blake instead snuck off and got suited up to go crash the cocktail party.

I mean if you have played Among Us and want to see what a real life emergency meeting looks like to go vote out someone who is sus, this is it.

But my main take away from this was him going in for the kiss and getting absolutely shut down. Oh my god that was the most the most awkward part of this episode, bar none.

He pouts after losing, crashes the cocktail party, gets ousted by his own bro’s and then gets denied a kiss, rough episode for Blake.

However, before the rose ceremony, at the end of the episode Clare gives Blake a rose ahead of time. I’m not sure if this was her feeling bad for embarrassing him on national television or if it’s the producers trying to stir the pot.

This show has always been about rewarding people who break the rules. And that has been doubled down this season. Blake has broken the rules twice now by DM’ing Clare before the show began and by crashing the cocktail party and he has been rewarded with two roses because of it. It’s only going to grow distrust between himself and the other guys.

Also, my wife is getting serious stalker energy from Blake, and after the stunt he just pulled, I totally see it.

Goodbye, We Hardly Knew You

And onto another super incredibly awkward moment.

During the cocktail Clare pulls Brandon aside to talk to him. And it does not go well for Brandon.

If you don’t remember Brandon, he was the one in episode one who told Clare right off the bat that his friends say he usually is not a good first impression, and that hopefully he is with her. Which as he was saying that proceeded to crush her hand because he was holding it too hard.

And then their first real discussion went like this.

I mean yikes dude. Your friends are absolutely right you are a bad first impression.

He says when he heard she was the bachelorette he had to sign up because of this list.

  1. She’s pretty
  2. She’s from Sacramento

And the list pretty much stopped there. So I don’t blame Clare for kicking him off the show right then and there. He dug his own grave and then tried to repeatedly say she was pretty to get himself out of it.

Now my wife came to his defense. She is usually a socially awkward person. And she feels as though perhaps he’s just awkward and was nervous and that is literally all he could think of. Which is very plausible since he has a history apparently of being bad at first impressions.

We may never know the truth. Either he was just there because she was pretty and he wanted to get his instagram followers up.

Or he is just a very socially awkward person and if that’s the case then I feel bad for him being embarrassed like that on national television.

Either way, it was super-duper awkward.

Some people will argue that Clare was in the wrong to throw him out, because I mean it was only the second episode of the entire season and there is no shame in not knowing her life story by now. But what I will say in her defense is that Brandon is the one who initiated that line of thinking.

He is the one who says “When you were named the Bachelorette I knew I had to be here.” and she just asks the follow up question as to why and his only reasoning was that she’s pretty.

I can’t really fault Clare here, he brought it up and walked into his own trap.

Dale Watch

As many of us know, this season gets blown up because apparently Dale and Clare were already talking prior to filming.

And the connection between the two of them is pretty clear. Dale can do no wrong in Clare’s eyes and it seems as though the other guys are catching onto that and that perhaps things take a turn next week?

However the main thing I cannot get out of my head is this tweet.

I mean oh my God. That is scary spot on. The only difference, I mean literally the only difference here is that her ears are way bigger than his. Dale has baby ears and I can’t unsee them.

Episode MVP: Bennett

I gotta give the MVP of this episode to Bennett. He was the first one to step up and get quality time with Clare after nobody did. He turned himself into a meme for simply running elegantly. And in the chaotic mess that this season is turning into he is in his own little bubble living life to the fullest.

Bennett is just better than you and I combined. I am self-aware and secure enough to admit that. Are you?

He is James Bond come to life.

I tip my cap to Bennett, he is who I want to be when I grow up. Sipping on martini’s mid-afternoon in a bathrobe in a luxurious suite and has a skin care routine.

If you say you don’t want to be him, you are just lying.

Episode Loser: Blake

I’m giving this one to Blake. Some would argue Brandon here but he got sent home, he clearly lost, I don’t wish to insult my audience’s intelligence like that.

No instead I am going for Blake here because he caused me to do a 180 in my perception of him.

Last week he was the smiling, lovable guy you were rooting to somehow try and upset Dale.

This week the Canadian native, turned into the pouting, sore-losing, rule breaking stalker that I see him as now.

And by him getting a rose, special from Clare, ahead of the actual ceremony sows the seeds of distrust between he and his fellow competitors. It doesn’t help Blake going forward.

Who Says It?

We are all wondering who says the line “I expected more from the oldest Bachelorette.”

Last week I pinned the deed on Zach, the farting fake proposal guy from the first night introductions.

I did that solely because while Yosef seemed an easy and sleazy choice, it felt too easy to pick him. But I am pulling my bet from Zach and it is now heavily on Yosef. It has to be him.

With the red flags from night one, to him calling Clare crazy to her face and then being offended to the nth degree by strip dodgeball and the eventual confrontation about it on next week’s episode. It has to be him.

He obviously has no respect for her or for probably just women in general. And as we saw this week, easily flies off the handle when confronted. At this point if it’s not Yosef who says it I will be utterly shocked.

Next Week Preview

What are we in store for next week? Hopefully nothing as awkward and anxious as this weeks episode. Seeing from the preview however we are in store for some drama.

It looks as though Dale and Clare’s relationship takes another step in which the guys do not take it well. Especially Jason who went on a solo date with Clare.

And the guys apparently organize a strike? I did not realize that there was a union for the contestants.

The Yosef and Clare drama comes to a head, he says he’s afraid to be associated with her. And he has easily made himself the first villain of the season. To which if you told him that to his face he would probably overreact to the statement and remind you that he has a daughter, because that is is go-to line, excuse, reasoning for everything he does.

It appears next week we get our answer as to who tells Clare she’s the oldest Bachelorette as well.

This week was certainly awkward, it was like Scott’s Tots and Uncut Gems rolled into one episode. But buckle up because it appears that next week things get wild.

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Connor Ryan (@connoryan68/@PodVerbalCommit/@YourFantasy_CGS)

 

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