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The Bachelorette Episode 1 Recap

It’s Bachelorette season people. Now before you double take at who wrote this. Yes I am a man, who watched and is now writing about the Bachelorette.

Now before you keep reading this is not a super serious blog about the show. I’m not here to actually watch and root for people to fall in love. I am here for the tea, drama and other non sense that comes.

I use to be like I am sure many of you before, scoffing at the very idea of spending even a single second watching any of these. Then my wife got me into watching last seasons Bachelor with Pilot Pete and I was hooked.

There was so much stupidity and drama every single week that I would start to look forward to the weekly showing. The wife and I would buy champagne, cook a nice dinner and sit down and watch it together. I gave my boss who didn’t want anything to do with the show weekly recaps the next day about who didn’t get a rose, whether she deserved it or not and what disaster Pete put himself into this week.

I believe I began writing for this website at the end of the shows running so I never got a chance to chime in publicly with my thoughts so now here I am to give you all weekly recaps of how Clare Crawley’s turn as the Bachelorette is going.

Now I wouldn’t say I am dialed in to Bachelorette twitter, but I know the rumors about this season. Apparently Clare had already been talking to and sort of dating one of the guys before filming. Which is a huge no-no. And basically the whole entire show falls apart because she’s already super into one of the 30 guys there and she quits and they have to get another girl.

But that is all for another week, but this gives you the promise that these weekly recaps will be even juicier.

Okay so let’s get started.

Clare Crawley

Let’s first introduce you to the Bachelorette. Again I have only been watching the show since Pilot Pete’s season. But Clare has been on the Bachelor a few times now.

She was on a few years ago for a season with some loser called Juan Pablo? I think she made it close to the end but then she didn’t get a rose and didn’t take it exactly well. I don’t know all of the specifics behind it but she was a fan favorite.

She’s also been on Bachelor in Paradise a few times but hasn’t found the right guy yet.

So you know what they say, your fourth time on a reality TV show to find love is the charm!

Oh and she’s 39 years old, which from what I understand is pretty old for a Bachelorette contestant. Usually you see 39 year olds on 90 Day Fiance dragging someone from Brazil to marry on a whim.

So her age will certainly play a factor into all of this.

COVID

Obviously COVID has affected everyone’s lives and has affected this show. They had to delay taping a few weeks and brought everyone in early for rounds of COVID testing.

A big part of this week’s episode was the guys being upset if they don’t get a rose. And as they should. This wasn’t fly out to LA for a week or weekend and maybe or maybe not get a rose and go home.

This was fly out to California, during a pandemic, stay here for weeks as we test on you and if she doesn’t like you, sorry for wasting your time but good bye.

So I can totally understand some of these dudes being upset that they get sent home after quarantining just to get sent packing after one night.

Dale

Okay let’s dive into the real reason we are here. The men who are going after Clare. And the first one we have to talk about is Dale.

First off let me just get this out of the way.

This guy, has the, SMALLEST EARS I HAVE EVER SEEN!

Honestly I don’t think his ears ever grew. This was the size of his ears when he was born and they just never grew. Seriously I cannot get over how damn small this dudes ears are.

So everyone meet Dale Moss. His title on the show is that of a former professional wide receiver out of South Dakota State. He went undrafted, was signed and cut by the Packers, Bears, Buccaneers and Panthers. Never played in the NFL had a cup of coffee in the Arena Football League in 2014 but that’s about it.

However, in doing some more digging he did play college basketball for the Jack Rabbits of SDSU. Not great but in his senior season he averaged 25 minutes a game, scoring an average of 7.6 points and pulling down 4.5 boards a game.

He was your classic two guard, but more like a Marcus Smart two guard.

Anyways, rumor has it that Dale and Clare blow up the Bachelorette. We even have promo clips of a future episode of Chris Harrison saying that she in fact blew up the Bachelorette.

The rumor is that Dale and Clare have already been chatting before the show even started. Again that is a huge no-no for the rules as it gives Dale a huge head start on everyone else.

And we see that head start pretty clearly as to when he and Clare first meet. With everyone else Clare is the usual, “oh hello how are you, can’t wait to see you inside and chat some more.”

With Dale she basically devolves into a puddle of goo. She even whispers to herself that she thinks she just met her future husband which gets Chris Harrison to sprint out of the bushes and try to pump the brakes on the Dale-Train.

You can literally see the wheels turning in Harrison’s head when he realizes what’s actually going on.

If you’ve followed the rumor mill then you basically already know what happens, you are just waiting to officially see it unfold on television.

Dale also received the first impression rose.

*Extreme King George Voice* – Awesome Wow

We will talk about Clare and Dale much more in following recaps so let’s check out some of the other guys.

Blake

Meet Blake. And surprise, surprise he has also already reached out to Clare via the inter webs.

He also broke the rules, but it seems as though Clare doesn’t give a single F about the rules for her season. She’s letting contestants slide into her DM’s left and right. Which is oddly ironic seeing the drama that unfolds later.

Blake reached out though in a time of need. During a pandemic, Clare’s Mom has Alzheimers. I lost my Grandpa to the disease, it’s a horrible thing to see a loved one go through so I feel for Clare here.

But Blake simply reached out and told her that he was thinking about her and hoped she was doing okay. What a nice guy.

Clare obviously tries to play it off as though Blake is the only guy who broke the rules (Eric Cartman voice) but yeah no shot, come on Clare.

I’m a big fan of Blake. He seems like a genuinely good dude, big smile on a big square head.

Eazy

Also known as Uzoma Nwachukwu is another former professional football player! He played at Texas A&M and was a wide receiver as well.

Like Dale, Eazy went undrafted before being picked up by the Houston Texans but never played in a game. Instead he was shuffled around the Texans practice squad for a couple of years before being signed and cut by the Dolphins, Seahawks and Cowboys.

Eazy is the energy of the episode. I mean first off, check out the Salmon suit, quite a move.

His entrance was bursting through a giant paper banner like teams would do running out of the tunnel onto the field that read “Your Future Husband”

And then guys started showing up trying to impress Clare with food. And Eazy wasn’t having any of that.

I’m with you Eazy. Guys were bringing popcorn, moon pies, cookies whatever to what’s suppose to be a cocktail night. I guess it’s a long night, gotta have snacks but still.

Eazy got a rose, he stood out, he will be the guy that we see give a reaction to everything.

Harvard Guy

Is name is actually Bennett I guess? But he is the Harvard guy. Because it’s like the second thing he brings up about him after his name. And then he acts as though it’s not a big deal and he hates that people know him as that even though he is the one who brought it up in five seconds.

And either he is like that, or the producers had him double down on the persona. Because when he meets Clare he rolls up in a Rolls Royce and is wearing a bow tie and a scarf. Which set lots of people off.

And honestly that is the best description for this man I think.

Personally I like Harvard guy. Plenty of people think he sucks, which he might. But I am sort of rooting for this dude. He’s got swag.

And yes he got a rose.

Straight Jacket Dude

Honestly I don’t know names at this point and you don’t really need to either. It’s night one, I’ll start remembering names when we get to home town dates.

But this guy. I will remember this guy.

For those who don’t follow the show. On the first night each guy gets to personally meet Clare. It’s usually a quick 15 second introduction and with no promises of talking to her again before the rose ceremony you gotta make those 15 seconds count.

So you sometimes see some elaborate attempts to catch the Bachelorette’s attention. And a straight jacket certainly did the trick. Now his connection to the prop was that quarantine, and not being able to meet Clare right away drove him crazy.

Okay, good one, now take it off, get inside, grab a drink, we will deal with you later.

Except for that he didn’t take it off.

And not just right away, but like all night long this dude left the straight jacket on.

HE LEFT THE STRAIGHT JACKET ON THROUGH THE ROSE CEREMONY!

Like I laughed every time I saw him on screen because he was still wearing it as time went on. I mean sure Harvard guy left the scarf on all night but a straight jacket? My man what are you doing?

It gave me serious Michael Scott vibes.

Like it should have been a silly prop that he could easily zip out of as soon as he made his bad joke. Or at least have one of the guys in the villa help him out of it at some point during the night but nope.

And in the craziest of events. Straight jacket dude got a rose. Like what?

Soup Nuts

No clue what this guys name was, or how he even made it onto the show. Perhaps the producers thought Clare had a thing for super tatted up guys?

Apparently this man is a chef, whose knuckle tattoos spell out “Soup Nuts.”

Absolutely zero idea what that could even mean.

This guy did not get a rose. No surprise here.

Tyler C. vs Yosef DRAMA

We finally get to our first drama of the season.

Usually the biggest drama in episode one is one of the contestants taking more time to talk to the bachelor or bachelorette more than anyone else. Or in last years case, champagne-gate with my aforementioned favorite Kelsey.

But this year our first bit of drama also happened to be our first “are they here for the right reasons?”

Apparently Tyler C. a proud West Virginian and sounds like it. Has a mutual friend who heard from a friend, who heard through another friend that a certain Yosef had been DM’ing girls on instagram before coming on the show.

Knowing this, Tyler brought it to Yosef’s attention basically as soon as introductions were finished and after Yosef finished his first conversation with Clare.

Yosef of course denied it saying he had no clue what Tyler was talking about. And then when the cameras confronted him he said “I don’t know what Megan has been saying but…”

He follows that by running to Clare straight away and trying to get ahead of the story by telling her what Tyler said. Which to me, in Bachelor/Bachelorette world is always a red flag. If the contestant has to try and explain themselves before it comes out, usually they are in the wrong like 99% of the time.

This leads Clare to have to confront Tyler with Yosef in which we find out Yosef has been sending mass videos of himself to girls basically saying “Hey what’s up beautiful” and whatever.

Yosef of course, denies this saying that it would be below him and his respect to do that. And apparently has a daughter and played the “I have a daughter” card straight away. Another red flag for me.

He used that like three times during the night. He’s like a politician trying to hit his talking points during a debate and he knows the “I have a daughter” line scores well with voters.

Clare asked Yosef if he had a girlfriend or someone who thinks she is his girlfriend to which he denied but I bet there are a few like that. And then Clare said okay, fine I don’t care.

Of course with this drama, every guy that didn’t get to talk to Clare blamed it on this debacle. Even though it maybe took her attention for at tops, five to ten minutes?

Come rose ceremony time Tyler C. the original guy who brought it up did not receive a rose and Yosef that DM’ing sunofagun got one.

Personally I am super sus of Yosef. Look I get it, these are all very attractive people on this show. I’m sure they are sliding into, or getting hammered on their own DM’s by thirsty people. And for most of them, they don’t care about Clare. They are there to get their clout and instagram following up.

But if it were me, I am calling an emergency meeting at the start of episode 2 and trying to get everyone to vote Yosef out, he’s super sus.

Who Said It?

One of the biggest lines in the future episode promo’s is some random guy yelling at Clare “I expected more from the oldest Bachelorette”

It’s like the Bachelor where Pete’s Mom, Barb, who is the absolute worst and the biggest Karen ever. in the promo’s all season had a line of her crying saying “don’t let her go” to Pete.

All season long fans were trying to figure out who Barb was talking about. It ended up anti-climactically being Hannah Ann, since Barb was a huge B to Madison but whatever.

This season’s moment is who said that to Clare?

My first initial hunch is Yosef. Just because I think that dude is a total sleaze ball. But after thinking about it more I believe it’s this dude.

His name is Zach and he fake proposed to Clare on his introduction by opening a box and in it was someone mooning Clare with the box making a fake fart noise…

And somehow this dude got a rose.

He looks like your classic frat boy who never grew up. He wears visors upside down, Oakley’s bigger than his head, still calls things he doesn’t like as “gay” and obviously at 37 years old thinks fart jokes are funny.

Fart jokes were funny when I first saw Shrek when I was like eight years old dude, not so much anymore.

I can totally see this dude flying off the handle when things turn south and yelling this at Clare. He’s the classic example of if a girl turns him down he immediately goes on the offensive rather than just accepting it.

I’m calling it now, “Oldest Bachelorette” comment guy is Zach, just tell me what the betting line is.

Final Thoughts

This is going to be a wild season. After the last Bachelor with Pilot Pete who was as effective at stopping drama as President Trump is, the show went and picked Clare, a 39 year old who should be mature enough to get the show back to its roots.

But apparently that will not be the case. Clare clearly didn’t care about the rules and let guys slide into her DM’s and rolled with it. She’s already fallen for Dale and it’s not even close. It should be some fun juicy episodes ahead though. I’m excited to write more of these.

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Connor Ryan (@connoryan68/@PodVerbalCommit/@YourFantasy_CGS)

 

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