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The Bachelor Season Premiere Recap

The President, CEO, Assistant to the Regional Manager is BACK.

After a quick, like enjoy Christmas but that’s all quick, hiatus from the Bachelor/Bachelorette recap life we are back.

Tayshia hasn’t even gotten her new engagement ring re-sized yet and we are already onto Matt James and the new season of The Bachelor.

And just like The Bachelorette, I am back to spill all the tea that went on last episode.

Of course this is week numero uno of The Bachelor, so we get to learn some new names and faces that none of us actually remember out of a handful of them.

But the main name and face you need to remember is of course the Bachelor himself, Matt James.

Like MJ (Mike)

His name is Matt, but it’s Matt James so I will be using plenty of MJ puns (Michael Jordan) this season so get use to it.

Where to begin, yes he has two first names, which some people say beware a person with two first names.

I am not one of those people since I (Connor & Ryan) have indeed two first names. For every time a school teacher or coach called him simply James, thinking that was his name, I feel for you bro.

Second, this is technically a sports blog website. I would be remiss to not mention that he is a former college athlete. A wide receiver at Wake Forest. 

Is being a division one college athlete impressive? Yes. I have never come close to achieving that level of football ability, let alone at the receiver position.

But… Again my duties are to report it fairly and Matt wasn’t that good. Please understand Wake Forest is not a very good team. Nick Saban wasn’t banging down the James’ door trying to get Matt to Alabama. and they play in the ACC, which may mean nothing to most of you but let’s just say the ACC kind of…. sucks.

Matt didn’t play much till his senior season with the Demon Deacons where however he played admirably. 40 catches, 401 yards, averaging 10 yards a catch. However during his four year career there he did not score a single touchdown. Awwww sad. Hopefully he can score during the show (wink, wink, nod, nod).

Also not to be lost in all of this is that Matt is the first ever black bachelor. A historic moment for TV that I’m sure some would say that it’s too late or some would say it’s token or fan service.

I would say let’s just enjoy that it’s happening okay?

The surprising thing about Matt however is that he has never been on television outside of a Wake Forest game on ESPN2 that you are only watching because you bet on it.

Which is sort of refreshing, you usually see other Bachelor/Bachelorette’s come from different seasons where they were fan favorites but couldn’t find love.

Matt is as green as the green screens around him when it comes being on television and being a celebrity which makes him understandably, very nervous.

He is pretty apprehensive about finding love. He grew up in a broken household being raised mostly by his mom. His parents split when he was young and that makes him shelled off to opening himself up to someone else. Seeing as how he doesn’t want to fall into that same narrative.

Which again makes me wonder, why are these broken people flocking to a television show to find love? Go see a therapist!

I understand it makes for good TV and good drama, but if you are that skeptical about relationships maybe work it out on your own in private, not for the entire world to see as you openly date 30 women.

Chris May I Have a Word?

So before we get anything at all rolling and meeting the ladies, Matt asks to talk to Chris for a second.

He opens up about how it felt fun and exciting at first but now realizing he has to be on TV and meet a bunch of girls, he is terrified.

He’s also scared about being the first black bachelor in the shows history and feels pressure to not upset white people or black people by his actions or by who he chooses.

Another worry is of course what happened to his parents. How they split up and Matt didn’t get a normal child hood with both a mother and father and he doesn’t want to subject someone to that same fate as him.

That he knows about a year or so into a relationship with someone, when it’s time to actually start building something he feels himself backing off and not wanting to get more serious.

So how to fix that? Go on a TV show that speeds up that process into about 2-3 months!

Jokes aside, all valid concerns for Matt to be nervous about. I think he’s also just a normally shy person who has never sought the spotlight. And now having a national one thrust upon you is pretty intimidating.

Chris however talks him off the proverbial ledge and gets the show back on track. This is what he apparently gets paid like $10 million a year to do.

I wonder if Ed was watching the TV like the Leonardo DiCaprio meme when Harrison appeared.

The Top Five Entrances

So my wife actually asked me to make this a part of my recap. She said something about the “Top Five Worst Entrances” but I feel like sometimes a bad entrance in real life makes for a good entrance on TV.

I also asked my wife who is self admittedly a shy and socially awkward person. That if I was the Bachelor what would she say to me, and her response was “Hi I’m Brittany” followed by walking away. I’m basically her PR person when we go out into public.

But the season premiere of any Bachelor/Bachelorette is always highlighted by the entrances. What do the ladies do to make themselves stand out from the other five in that limo and the other 40 in the mansion? Let’s break it down.

By the way, I will leave one obvious candidate out, because we need to talk about her just in her own category.

5) Illeana – Can I put my balls in your mouth?

The headline here isn’t a joke. She actually asked Matt that, “Can I put my balls in your mouth?”

The joke being she made meatballs?

And they are the largest meatballs in the world Jesus Christ!

All I could think of during this was the classic SNL skit with Alec Baldwin.

4) MJ – Pizza Car

Hey this girl is also MJ, except that is just her name.

There’s a couple of funny things about this entrance however. First is when she rolls up, she’s in a normal car with a small thing on the top that says “pizza.”

Matt laughs and says “Oh I knew it, I thought it was a pizza car.”

What in the holy hell is a pizza car? You mean a delivery car? A delivery driver? There is no such thing as just a “pizza car” it’s not an ice cream truck.

However that gives me a $10 million idea. I should start a pizza company, and drive around like an ice cream truck delivering slices of pizza.

You all laugh and say it won’t work. But are you trying to tell me that especially, right now in winter, you are outside shoveling your drive way and here I come with my pizza car, hot steaming slices of pizza, you aren’t taking one? Get out of here, of course you are!

Someone come up with the logistics and money for it, I’m just the idea guy.

Second, sorry I got off track there. Is that MJ locked herself out of the pizza car. She put the box in the back seat, rookie move, it always sits in the front passenger, come on.

And she has to walk back around to unlock the back door to give him the pizza.

Pizza car… what in the hell is a pizza car.

3) Khaylah – Stick Shift From North Caroline

Khaylah like Matt hails from North Carolina. Although she’s from Durham which would make me assume that she is a Blue Devil rather than a Tar Heel.

She pulls up in a stick shift truck

2) Kaili – Lingerie

What a move honestly. Men are visual creatures, we just are. So how to make yourself stand out to the new bachelor? Strip down and meet him in lingerie while posing the entire charade as an excuse to make him pick out which dress you should wear.

GENIUS.

Level 3000 IQ play right here for a couple of reasons.

Again as I mentioned, Matt’s not going to forget the girl he met who was wearing only her bra and panties.

Second, Kaili figured out what dress he likes, and he’s not going to forget that dress after he walks into the mansion to talk to everyone.

Among a sea of faces and sparkling dresses, she will certainly stand out in his mind. Great move, hats off to Kaili.

1) Katie – AKA Vibrator Girl

Honestly I had to rewatch the video to even know what her name was, because for me the entire episode, she was just vibrator girl.

This wasn’t even stealing the scene this was stealing the episode right here. Katie shows up hiding a vibrator behind her back, and says something about 2020 being difficult and that she has something to help cope with the stress. And then boom she whips it out, it’s a vibrator.

Matt laughs and then GRABS IT.

WHY DID YOU TOUCH THAT DUDE! Even if she was joking and it’s a simple prop why take the risk!

I was wondering the entire night whether that thing had been used or not. And someone asked for me later and Katie responded with “Well yeah I’ve cleaned it.”

Which you wouldn’t say if you just discreetly bought that from Walgreens an hour ago as a joke…

She also grabbed for it back and held onto it for the ENTIRE NIGHT. Again not something I imagine you would do with a funny gag prop.

The best part about the dildo, was that Matt sat down with a girl who’s from Puerto Rico. They began having a heavy discussion about the trials and tribulations that the people of Puerto Rico have been through.

Only to be interrupted by a sparkly dildo and Katie asking if she could steal Matt for a second.

Matt also said he thought it was a lightsaber when he first saw it, to which I now firmly believe Matt has never seen a lightsaber.

I am sure somewhere down a Youtube rabbit hole there is a Star Wars edit where they replaced the light sabers with dildo’s, but I do not want to look for it.

Full disclosure, I just looked for it, seriously don’t bother.

But also, apparently there was a behind the scenes big time debate and or discussion about whether you could say dildo or vibrator on network TV!

Queen Victoria

Let me start off this section with a giant UGGHHGHGHGGHGGHGGHGHGHGHGHGHGH.

This girl is as terrible as you can possibly imagine.

So she shows up with people carrying her, and her literal lower third introduction card where it has her job title literally says her occupation is “queen.”

I know Matt can’t see these, these are like the yellow lines you see on TV while watching a football game. As scream at the QB that slid two yards behind the line you clearly saw and wonder how he didn’t know he had to dive to pick up the first down.

But anyways, HUGE RED FLAG ALERT.

I didn’t need to see any more of this girl to know that she is a dumpster fire of a person.

She’s 27 years old and calls herself a queen. And in her own words “Like Queen Victoria.”

I bet my entire life savings she knows zip, zero and zilch about the actual real Queen Victoria.

I bet if you asked her what country she ruled over that she would answer Genovia. And thinks that the Princess Diaries are a biography about her.

I wonder how many of you are now today years old when you just found out that Genovia is not a real country. Sorry for your loss.

Moving on, she’s 27. She’s paying for health insurance and SHE THINKS SHE IS A QUEEN.

I mean this girl right from the get go is jaw droopingly delusional! As the clip above illustrates, she is the plot of Buzz Lightyear from the original Toy Story. However I don’t see her character arc redeeming her at the end of this.

What’s worse is she walks into the mansion and doesn’t drop the act. Seriously our two clashing personalities this season premiere are a vibrator and a random girl who thinks she is a literal queen.

So we come to the cocktail part of the episode with the girl who like Michael Scott thinks that she is Beyonce, always.

And wouldn’t you know it, she is the first person to pull the stealing double time during the cocktail party.

Is she apologetic? NOPE.

She calls all the other girls idiots for both going out and getting more time with Matt.

Obviously this causes a clash among the other women. One girl she interrupts is Kit. Who is a fashion entrepreneur although her dress makes her look like something from the Lorax.

This is one of those times that I realize I don’t understand high fashion. And then I also realize, I am 100% okay with that.

The queen interrupts Kit’s time with Matt by literally saying “Excuse me princess but the queen is here.”

I mean I wouldn’t blame Kit for telling her off right then and there, but she doesn’t she just wears it and walks away.

But then proceeds to talk a big game off screen. She tells the camera and the girls in the house that after Victoria called her princess she said “Excuse me, no, I am the King, The CEO, the President, bye”

Hahahaha nope that’s not how it went down. Also she said that to everyone in the house and to us on TV, she thought that line was way funnier than it really was.

I didn’t laugh, I wasn’t impressed. Try again.

Oh and then Victoria asks Matt how his night has been. He says it’s like drinking through a firehose. To which at first I had never heard that saying but after 2 seconds of cognitive thought I was like oh I get it, extremely overwhelming with names, faces, information etc.

Victoria instead cuts him off with “WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? IS THAT A SOUTHERN THING?”

Again just the absolute worst.

She goes back in to ask how everyone else’s time with Matt went, and goes right to the couch with Kit sitting there. Kit has her chance to be the King, president and CEO here and tell Victoria off, but she doesn’t. Weak.

I’ll save the drama for you. Victoria, of course thinks she should get the first impression rose. Which she doesn’t.

But… we are not done with her yet. She gets a rose. She’s the last person there to receive a rose. Which proves to us that roses are definitely the bachelors choice. But at some level they are also the producers decision.

The producers know that they have a drama gold mine in Victoria here and are going to try and keep her on the show for as long as possible.

Abigail Leaves a First Impression

So who does the first impression rose go to? Well it went to Abigail.

Which is heart warming. If you didn’t watch the episode, Abigail was born legally deaf. She needs a special hearing aid to just be able to hear someone talking to her.

She brought up how it’s intimidating for her to date because she usually has to tell someone that pretty early on in meeting them and obviously for some it’s an immediate turn off.

So it makes it all the much better that Matt picks her for the first impression rose.

Now you might be saying, Oh Connor this is just fan service. The producers made him give her the rose because they thought it would be nice.

To which I argue that I don’t think so. We saw Matt talk to a bunch of girls and while most were fun and informative but he didn’t kiss any of them.

And with Abigail he initiated the kiss.

And it wasn’t a quick peck, it was a long drawn out one. I think Matt actually seriously likes Abigail which is awesome. She is already a fan favorite.

Same Dress Mess

I’ll be honest I did not notice this at all until I hopped on twitter after the episode. But that’s why I have all of you for to show me what I may of missed upon watching the show.

Apparently we had two women wearing the exact same dress, and of course the producers put them basically right next to each other.

The best part of this is their names are close as well! One is named Anna and the other is Allaina or something like that. I don’t know names yet.

And there is even a mix up when Matt says one name but both girls are like “Wait who me?”

Anna is the crazy one. My wife didn’t like her as soon a she met her. Luckily Queen Victoria distracted my wife for the rest of the night from her.

But she told us that she was positioned right in front of Matt during the ceremony and was staring at him unblinking trying to telepathically have him give her a rose.

Again, red flags, this chick is CRAZY.

I guess it worked since she got a rose. But at what cost crazy?

Early Vegas Favorites

Again another segment requested from the wife. Asking me to give favorites, but I don’t really know too many names so I will try my best.

First off some people who did get roses are basically out. Crazy eyes, see ya. CEO, President, Manager of Directing lady, peace out. Vibrator girl buh bye.

Queen Victoria?

And honestly twitter seems to have a better idea than I do, and when has twitter ever been wrong?

I am sure there probably is some truth to the first roses that Matt gives out are the girls he’s most impressed by. So these three are certainly a safe choice to make a deep run.

I would also like to add in Chelsea as a candidate, seeing as she had arguably the top dress this episode.

Even Matt was blown away by it. Usually pretty nervous and reserved he was even like “Damn…” And she got a rose pretty quickly as well so I see Chelsea making a run.

One side note, about someone who went home, was Alicia.

The producers threw us a curveball on this one. They did an extended bio on her when we were to meet the cast. Which usually gives you an early look into some of the favorites this season.

Alicia was a professional ballerina who also teaches ballet. She dropped in her bio so many times that she was a ballerina that I almost forgot where Bennett went to school.

However she did not get a rose. Big loss for Matt, as the rest of Bachelor Nation was pretty upset that we didn’t get to see more of her.

Coming Up Next…

So we get a preview for the rest of the season of The Bachelor. Seems like plenty of drama afoot which is always wonderful for these recaps.

Let’s break down what we see coming.

Love in all colors: I do love hearing these sort of stories. The girls on the show say something about being bullied in high school or not going to prom because they were ugly. And then people from their hometown throw them under the bus claiming no they were the bully or the story about prom is 100% false because they were prom queen.

So hopefully more dirt gets pulled up about this.

Sugar Daddy: I’m excited for this one. This is a first too. Usually we have the usual “here for the right reasons” they’re a home wrecker or they are still DM’ing guys drama. But I think having a sugar daddy would honestly be a first for this show.

As for who I think it could be… I would say Victoria, since she obviously doesn’t have a job or Kit, since her title was fashion entrepreneur which I have no clue what that means or if that’s legit a thing. Basically the two I already despise.

Never Been Kissed Heather: I’ll be honest, no clue who this lady is. But people on twitter were freaking out. I’m guessing she was a polarizing contestant on a former episode of the Bachelor.

I just like how Chris Harrison says “You could ruin this entire thing for Matt” and then obviously still allows her to join the show.

New Girls: Looks like this season takes from the last season of the Bachelorette in brings in some new contestants half way through to shake things up.

Which sure it provides drama but at the same time why? I get it for Tayshia’s season, she came in with only half of the original cast of men. But why during a normal season would you bring in random ladies?

Matt’s Not Okay: Seems like there is a breaking point for Matt on this show. So much so that he’s just sitting on the ground and tells Chris Harrison that he is not okay. And says he doesn’t know where to go from here.

However the end shot is him with a diamond ring so it appears he makes it to the end.

I can’t help but notice there was no “On a historical, never before season of The Bachelor” from Chris Harrison. Just that it’s “An incredible season.”

Not sure how that bodes for all of us in terms of it being memorable but, we’ll see.

See you Next Week

Thanks for reading, I’ll be here every week to give you the juicy details about what went down on last episode. Should be another fun ride!

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Connor Ryan (@connoryan68/@PodVerbalCommit/@YourFantasy_CGS)

 

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