Markelle Fultz Needs to Be Shipped to the Moon

This has undoubtedly been the weirdest story in basketball since Fultz entered the league last season. I mean the man is just in shambles. Absolute shambles, I tell you. He is being advised not to play basketball by his LAWYER? His goddamn attorney has decided that he embarrassing himself so much on the basketball court that it would be in his best interest to just not show up. The last time lawyers had this much say as to what a player did on the court, Kobe’s number changed from 8 to 24.

We’ve seen players come into the league with big expectations and just totally botch it. Kwame Brown and Anthony Bennett, to name a couple. But I don’t know if there’s ever been a player to come in and just forget how to play the sport. Its like when Eminem OD’d and almost died in like 2007 and then just kinda couldn’t rap after that. Really though, just look at this:

SHAMBLES! He literally doesn’t know how to shoot a basketball. He can’t even remember how he used to shoot a basketball. I’m not sure if anyone knows this, but there was a time when Markelle Fultz could shoot a basketball, and dare I say he was good at it. The past, however, is the past. Fultz isn’t at Washington anymore, instead he is an on fire garbage can getting mocked by NFL players:

If I’m Fultz’s lawyer, I’m putting all my efforts into getting celebrations banned by the NFL again. If I’m Markelle Fultz, I’m heading on over to the rope store, conveniently located next to the rickety stool store. However, I am not him, so let’s see what his plan is:

Gonna go right ahead and call this a bad idea. Philadelphia, the coaching staff, and the players have been coddling you for two years as you inexplicably shit your pants every time you have an open shot, and you think that you can just show up, still horrendous, to a new city and be welcomed with open arms?

It really doesn’t make any sense. The team has been nothing but supportive to him as he’s been the softest man to ever step on the court. Who could have possibly put Fultz in the position of wanting out?

Oh yeah right Jimmy’s here.

Jesus Christ, though. I’d probably leave too if every time I bricked a free throw, a much larger man was calling me a pussy for having a bed to sleep in and still missing shots.

Great plan there by Philly. Let’s bring in a guy who is notably an asshole to every player he deems to be soft and see if that’ll help out our stick of butter wearing #20.

Fultz might not play another game as a 76er the way things are looking. Many people are wishing the best for him, hoping he figures out his problems and get his shot back. I do not. I want to see this only get significantly worse for Fultz. I want him to get traded to Phoenix and shoot 9% from the free throw line. I want his shot made into a Fornite dance that his young cousins will do at Christmas right in his face. I want him to one day be selected into the Shambles Hall of Fame, a hall of fame that im gonna try to start soon so he can be the first inducted. It’ll be in Worcester, the birthplace of shambles.

-Riley Banks (@rileybanks10)

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