Why is THE WEATHER CHANNEL trying to frighten us?

Firstly, I’d like to apologize for the confusing title. I couldn’t decide what to name this blog because, honestly, I’m having trouble putting my finger on exactly what WeatherChannel.com is doing.

Let me explain,

Every morning I wake up, brush my teeth, do ten screaming push-ups (they’re like regular push ups but with screaming), and then I check Weather.com. Everyone who knows me knows I love the weather. Is it going to be sunny? What’s the smog report looking like? If it rains is it going to pour? Exciting stuff.

Anyhow, usually, I just blow by the HOMEPAGE of Weather.com and go right to my local weather. It wasn’t until my computer froze one day that I noticed an alarming title on the front page of the website. Something like, “Tidal Waves and Wild Fires are breaking out all over Central Michigan!” I yelped. I said, “Oh no! Not Central Michigan. That’s like my favorite part of Michigan.” I immediately clicked out of Weather Channel and went to a few other news sites. I expected this tragic wild fire slash tidal wave storm to be plastered all over every media outlet. After all, the people of Michigan were in grave danger!

But guess what? NOTHING. None of the other sites said anything about the Sharknado headed for Michigan. I couldn’t find shit about it anywhere. Michigan wasn’t even in the news.

I said to myself, “Derek, how can this be? (Sometimes I call myself Derek). The storm of the century is baring down on the mitten state and only the Weather Channel has the story?”

I immediately bought a plane ticket to Michigan. People who didn’t check weatherchannel.com had to be warned. Nobody was safe…

…but after a few days of eating mediocre food and screaming at the people of Central Michigan to heed shelter… the. storm. never. came.

I retreated to Boston a broken man. I was embarrassed, out of money, and had contracted something called Michigan Fever (another story for another blog).

I decided to investigate. Something fishy was happening on WeatherChannel.com and the world needed to know. The people needed a hero…A hero with a computer.

So everyday, for a few weeks I visited WeatherChannel.com and read their home page. My suspicions were soon confirmed. Every morning was some new catastrophe or weather exaggeration that most of the world had never heard of. A gentle rain shower would be reported as a “Monsoon with mass casualties” Salacious headlines like, “Whales washing up on the beaches of Kentucky!” were plastered in huge font..

…AND ON AND ON it went. 

Lucky for you guys, I compiled a couple of weeks worth of screenshots of WeatherChannel.com’s front page. See For YOURSELF.

Absorb the horror.

and the list goes on…

Everyday a new tragedy or fear inducing headline. Someone at the weather channel is trying to scare you. I want to know why. Somebody needs to step the fuck up.

And I know what you’re all saying to yourselves, “Steak Jones, please don’t go after BIG WEATHER. It’s a suicide mission. You don’t want to be on the wrong side of the corporations that control the… weather.”

But to that I say, Oh Word?…

-Steak Jones