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How Did Squilliam Fancyson Get So Rich?

At times like this at the end of 2020, we all have to ask ourselves the really important questions.

How can we improve our society? What’s the correct way to handle COVID? Where do babies come from?

And….

This question was posed by this websites creator and president. You might see my creating a blog about this as trying to suck up to the top dog. But I am just a simple company man, trying to entertain people with my free flowing thoughts and ideas.

I also like to imagine I am one of the top Spongebob enthusiasts here, since I ranked out my top ten greatest episodes ever.

You may also be asking, why Squilliam Fancyson? He’s not a main character. A better question might be, what does Patrick Star do for a job to:

  1. Keep up with his mortgage payments. At that acreage? In a neighborhood with a nice Easter Island Head and Pineapple for neighbors, that’s a short distance from eating places? It’s not cheap (Can you tell my wife and I have been house hunting?)
  2.  Pay for his groceries? For a big boy like that the bill has to be pretty high.

And perhaps I just stumbled upon something else entirely there. But today my boss asked about Squilliam, when he asks me about Patrick, I will put my mind to it.

So let’s try and figure out what does Squlliam Fancyson do that makes him so, fancy.

Born Into It

His family name is “Fancyson” I mean it spells it out for you. Perhaps he went the way of the Donald and was simply born into a very rich family.

I want to believe that, but it seems like Squidward and Squilliam went to high school together and were sort of rivals. I don’t exactly get Private School vibes from Squidward.

Oh sure Squidward complained about how he should be at Julliard practicing for an illustrious career playing the clarinet. But he wasn’t a private school squid.

Selling Chocolate

I mean, Spongebob and Patrick become rich from selling Chocolate and they’re incompetent sales men. It’s no stretch of the imagination to think that Squilliam’s bank account runs through this guy.

Perhaps this was where Squilliam got his start, and used his money wisely through diversified investments rather than taking all of his profits to reserve an entire fancy restaurant for two elderly women.

Professional Model

Even in the farthest recesses of Squidward’s imagination even he knows that Squilliam is shredded.

Which certainly could help Squilliam if he gets into the real estate game.

Although as I stated before I am currently house hunting, and I don’t think a naked real estate agent would really sway me into buying a property. It would factor in my decision for sure, but probably not in positive ways.

Squidward at one point also asks:

Squidward: How’s the unibrow?

Squilliam: It’s big and valuable.

The only other unibrow that is semi valuable is Anthony Davis’ and yet the Lakers don’t pay him max money because of the unibrow, it’s more for his basketball abilities.

Which leads me to believe that Squilliam could have found a niche within the modeling community with his unibrow. I suppose that as long as you have the body that he does, then whatever you have going on with your one or two eyebrows is fine.

Music Producer

The entire premise of the episode Band Geeks stems from the fact that Squilliam has a band lined up to play the Bubble Bowl but is too busy and has to pull out of the gig, leaving it to Squidward and his rag tag band to make up for it.

This also gives us the most over the top way to say ibuprofen.

There are a few theories that support and debunk this.

First to support it, If you’re the producer for a band playing at the Bubble Bowl then you’ve made it to the big time and are flushed with cash. As well as being so busy that you can simply cancel a gig like that means you aren’t worried about losing out on that cash, which lines up with Squlliam’s lifestyle.

My question though, is didn’t Squilliam say he was busy that day and yet he was there at the Bubble Bowl…

Not a great band manager in my opinion.

He canceled his band’s dream gig with the entire hope being he could humiliate Squidward on a national stage. And instead Squidward gets credited with a song that ABOSLUTELY SLAPS.

Someone with that sort of oversight in the musical business I don’t think has made their money in it.

Restaurant Owner

In one episode Squilliam tells Squidward that he is a restaurant owner, to which Squidward claims he is the same.

Hijinks ensue, and some brainwashing of Spongebob almost pulls off the ruse that Squidward does in fact own a fancy restaurant.

Perhaps Squilliam now owns a restaurant, but the food business is a tricky and fickle one, not one that I think Squilliam got his start in.

Although he also tells Squidward after this (supposedly lying) that he is a cashier for a fast food restaurant as well. But then takes it back. But who knows. Maybe Squilliam started a the bottom rung of a well established restaurant and quickly worked his way to the top and ownership and now reaps the rewards.

Casino Owner

He tells his entourage to come with him on a ride on his balloon/casino.

They all cheer, excitedly but what fools they are.

Squilliam owns that casino and the house, always, always, always wins.

That’s the thing about casino’s, it preys on your individualistic style of thinking. You might win $100 playing at the blackjack table. And that’s awesome for you, congrats.

But for you winning that $100 there were five other people at that table who just lost $200 and the Casino just came out on top by $900.

So while the unsuspecting fish cheer, all Squilliam here’s is the “cha-ching” sound of a cash register. His entourage just makes him even more wealthy.

A Football Playing King in Space, With a Mustache

One episode, Squidward asks Squilliam what he’s been up to since high school.

And Squilliam says “Just succeeding in everything you failed in.”

When Squidward quits the Krusty Krab after being accused of stealing a dime he says he could become anything he wants. Perhaps a football player, a king or a space man. To which Spongebob brilliantly suggests pooling all of those ideas together, but with a mustache.

Squidward fails miserably at this, quickly becoming homeless. But those three occupations are obviously at the top of Squidward’s mind in terms of what he wants to do with his life.

So, by comparison they would also be Squilliam’s and he succeeds at whatever Squidward fails at.

A football player as we know can make millions upon millions of dollars, check.

A King isn’t exactly an occupation that requires filling out a resume and having prior work experience, but I’m sure Squilliam has those connections. Maybe he is in a Princess Diaries sort of situation where he’s secretly the next prince in line for the country of Genovia. But it makes money so check.

I’m not sure what the pay is for an astronaut, I don’t think you become richer than your wildest dreams doing it, but I bet the benefits are fantastic. So check.

As for the mustache, Squilliam has his above his eyes instead of his mouth.

He’s Not Rich, He’s a Fraud

Is Squilliam actually rich? Or does he just appear to be in front of Squidward to embarrass his old high school rival?

It’s very possible that he just hires an entourage for a one time thing. As I mentioned before he says he and his band are too busy for the Bubble Bowl but then still shows up, but with no band.

He also dresses in a bathrobe all of the time. Which I am guessing is a comparison to Hugh Hefner but he literally goes everywhere in it.

The only people I see out in public wearing a bath robe or any sort of pajama’s are the people at Walmart that you were socially distancing yourself from before the pandemic.

So it’s entirely possible that Squilliam is a fraud that when he makes a quick buck just uses all of it to keep the elaborate scheme that he’s rich going in Squidward’s face.

My Guess: Model

I think Squilliam made his money in the modeling game and then from there has become a mogul of sorts. He has done a good job of diversifying himself and his assets.

But I can definitely see a niche in the professional modeling industry where someone with a hot body and a unibrow is a big commodity.

Not only that, but like I said before he’s always in a bath robe, which provides him quick and easy access to strip and show off the goods at the drop of a hat. The squid is a pro, gotta give him that.

So boss I hope that answers your question or at least provides some insight into how Squilliam Fancyson, got so fancy.

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Connor Ryan (@connoryan68/@PodVerbalCommit/@YourFantasy_CGS)

 

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