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Spongebob Squarepants Episode Power Rankings

During this pandemic there is no doubt in my mind that we have watched way too much television. Which I hope for your sanity, includes watching some Spongebob Squarepants.

Spongebob is the great unifier of our nation. We can all agree, the first few seasons are fantastic. The first movie should be considered the only movie, and whatever the show has turned into now is just that. Whatever.

But those first three seasons gave us all of the laughter, quotes, memes and pop culture references for a whole lifetime.

Seriously look it up on IMDB, basically good Spongebob had a shelf life of just three seasons.

I love ranking things almost as much as I love Spongebob, so why not mix my two loves together? I present to you the top ten Spongebob Squarepants episodes of all time. According to me, and my bias, so deal with it.

10) Shanghied 

This episode is the one where the Flying Dutchman drops an anchor on Spongebob’s house, Squidward and Patrick get involved and climb the anchor to find the Flying Dutchman’s ship. He then tells them they are now part of his ghostly crew. Squidward obviously wants nothing to do with it so he gets tossed into the “Fly of Despair” a zipper that is attached to what seems to be a portal to a nightmare dimension. Anyways, Spongebob and Patrick agree to be part of the crew and who could forget Leedle Leedle Leedle Lee

A fantastic line, “These guys are dorks, yes but they’re my dorks”

The perfume department scene is always hilarious and hits too close to home for many of us that had to make the trip to JC Penny’s with our parents for some back to school clothes shopping.

I will always love Patrick. I relate too much to him, but I am okay with that.

Great episode, what a way to kick off our top ten list, we only play the hits here. 

9) Rock Bottom

Classic *rasberry* Spongebob *rasberry* episode. Taking the wrong bus to Rock Bottom where there isn’t just darkness but advanced darkness…. 

One thing I will point out about this episode is how lousy the public transportation is around Bikini Bottom. Granted Spongebob did Myles Garrett the bus driver at the start of this episode over 50 cents. 

But seriously he keeps missing the bus and the bus seemingly is doing it on purpose. Being a bus driver must be a close knit group in Bikini Bottom and Spongebob was put on the do not drive under any circumstances list. 

Anyways, the best part of this episode is the end, when one of the Rock Bottom natives helps Spongebob out of there by blowing up his balloon so he can fly out of there. Spongebob tries to thank him with the Rock Bottom classic accent and then the guy responds with a completely normal “You’re Welcome.”

Absolutely pure comedy. honestly without that line this probably isn’t a top ten episode. And I’m sure it goes right over younger kids heads but as an adult this joke is perfect. 

Side Note: You ever watch these Bikini Bottom Mysteries? These are great and bring up some valid points, I wonder if it’s the show writers poking fun at themselves. They’re pretty funny.

8) Club Spongebob

Like I said we are all going to have different opinions on this and I feel like this is one of those. The Magic Conch shell episode just hits a certain spot for me.

First off lots of nose shaming on Squidward in this episode. And also the fact that they listen to and praise a copyrighted magic conch shell and that it works is awesome. 

The best part of this episode for me is the end, the ranger guy who ends up saving them. He acts all serious when he meets them and even questions the idea of the magic conch shell and then turns all goofy when he says “YOU MEAN LIKE THIS” God that kills me every single time. 

 

7) Krusty Krab Training Video

A pure classic, and no episode really like it. It covers so many bases, from the fact that the Krusty Krab use to be a retirement home called the Rusty Krab. That Mr. Krabs has a fear of robot overlords, which sort of ties into the episode where Spongebob and Squidward think Mr. Krabs is a robot.

I am sure most of us wish we had a “I really wish I wasn’t here right now button.” And proof that as life goes on, we all sort of begin to relate and sympathize with Squiward more and more.

But all of those are second fiddle to the mantra that has over taken Hakuna Matata as a way of life, and that is P.O.O.P. 

People

Order

Our

Patties

The Squidward and Patrick scene is great, from Patrick hearing the voice over guy, to unable to decide what to order, to Squidward reminding him to get a Krabby Patty just to instinctually ask is that for here or to go. 

And no one can forget the Hoopla guy.

6) Wet Painters

This one oddly enough is in the same pairing of episodes as the KK Training Video. How did our young brains not explode when we first watched these two together?

We all know the story, Mr. Krabs asks Spongebob and Patrick to paint the inside of his house for him, he warns them that the paint is permanent and if they get it on anything he would literally cut off their asses and mount them to his wall, weird flex but okay.

Anyways they get paint on his first ever dollar, they make it worse, Eugene comes home finds out and then reveals that the paint comes off with some simple saliva. 

Not exactly a Twilight Zone brain buster of an episode but it’s the jokes in this one that make it stick. Everything with the paint bubbles is fantastic. Patrick using an axe to open the can of paint, Patrick pulling out an unseemly amount of nose hair, running out of timecards, blowing up the giant paint bubble. This episode is 11 minutes of nothing but gut busting giggles. 

5) Idiot Box

Oh man we are into the top five now. And this one is certainly top five worthy, everyone and their mothers know this episode, Idiot Box is more known as the “Imagination” episode. 

So SpongeBob and Patrick buy a TV which at the time was probably retailed at ohhhh $801. Gotta remember my Price is Right training from all of those days I faked being sick to stay home from school.

And they only wanted the box to which Patrick admitted he didn’t think the plan was going to work. They give Squidward the TV for free so that they can play with their imaginations in the box. Squidward hears very realistic sounds about their adventures 

And he can’t figure out how they make the sound effects work. Because he’s a jerk. 

The box puns hit and miss, depends on the day I guess.

Squidward finally decides to go in the box and give it a try and says he wants to go to Robot Pirate Island which apparently is a war zone but none the less sounds like fun. Lest we forget. 

Anyways Squidward finally uses the box by himself and thinks he’s driving a race car but it’s actually just a garbage truck making the noises.

What’s wild about this episode is one how a TV show is promoting the idea that you don’t need a TV to be entertained and how sometimes the most realistic and fun you can have come straight out of your brain.

And second how Squidward laughs off the idea of “Imagination” yet it’s his own imagination that torments him the entire time. This episode is actually kind of a mind pretzel when you step back and look at it. I just ruined it for you and myself now. 

 

4) Camping Episode

Lets just get the first thing out of the way here, one of the best songs in Spongebob, ladies and gentlemen, I give to you, the Campfire Song, Song 

As Smash Mouth once said “we hit the ground running, and we don’t stop running” the premise of this episode may be stupid, but it’s also dumb. 

Any respectable Spongbobber (that’s what us die hard fans call ourselves) know what not to do to attract a Sea-Bear. 

Don’t wave around a flashlight, flashlights are their natural prey

Don’t stomp around, they take that as a challenge. 

Don’t ever eat cheese. Cubed that is, sliced is fine. 

Don’t wear your sombrero in a goofy fashion, or clown shoes, or a hoop skirt

and never ever screech like a chimpanzee. 

Also be sure to draw an anti Sea-Bear circle, not an oval it has to be a circle. Squidward Tentacles, the ultimate outdoorsman. 

3) CHOCOLATE With Nuts

This episode is the ultimate tool guide if you want to become an entrepreneur. 

Spongebob and Patrick are off to be living fancy by selling chocolate bars. Their first customer however turns out to be a complete psychopath.

After some brainstorming at a local diner where they remember “sex sells” but decide to save that for when they sell real estate. Hahahahaha I mean WHAT?

They also remember that being mediocre is special. Which is what I tell myself after my yearly review with the boss. 

They figure out that advertising is all about stretching the truth. Which brings up one of the better funnier scenes in the whole show where they try and sell chocolate to an ancient woman who apparently take out on a date later? Spongebob, you cougar hunter you.

This episode was an instant classic and has stood the test of time. Everyone knows what you mean when you scream CHOCOLATE at the top of your lungs, this is what makes Spongebob the beautiful show.

 

2) My Pretty Seahorse

It’s honestly to me maybe the pound for pound funniest episode all around of Spongebob.

First PorousRobert CubeTrousers (Yes I stayed up all night coming up with that one) finds a Seahorse and names it Mystery. Although to this day I still believe he should have named it Debbie. 

He also nails a sea horse impression perfectly despite what Mr. Krabs says. WEE-SNAW!

This joke also maybe went over our heads as younger kids, but we get it now…

Not to mention the running gag with the onions is good for a chuckle now and then.

This line which is down right hilarious. Spongebob calls Patrick, his sentient friend a “Stupid, dumb animal.” And my man just takes it, accepts it and walks away.

We could all learn a thing about having thick skin like Patrick Star. I need to drop that line on more people on twitter.

Ok now onto my favorite joke in the entire show. Like in all of Spongebob-dom.

It doesn’t seem like much on the surface, but think about it with context from the show.

Squidward asks where the order is on an empty tray. Spongebob blankly asks him if he looked under the tray and Squidward says “oh no I didn’t sorry.”

Which means there was one time at the Krusty Krab, where Squidward berated Spongebob for no order actually being on the tray. To which after some investigating, it turns out that for some odd reason, the food was in fact underneath the tray all along and that it happens frequently enough to be somewhat commonplace.

And the fact that he, Squidward Tentacles apologizes so frankly to Spongebob is hilarious. Remember that Squidward hates Spongebob. With every fiber of his being. He thinks he is the most annoying creature under the sea, and yet in this instance, when Spongebob says something as ridiculous as “Did you look under the tray?” Squidward doesn’t blow up or make a snarky response back, instead he issues a genuine “Oh. No I didn’t sorry.”

When you think about it in depth, a throw away line like that is so damn funny. Maybe I’m over thinking what’s suppose to be a mind numbing children’s TV show but it just makes me laugh every time I think about it.

Totally unrelated to this episode entirely this might be my second favorite joke from Spongebob. God dammit I’m cracking up watching this clip over and over. 

1) Band Geeks

The top spot on my list, the “Piece de Resistance” of all Spongebob episodes.

It had to be this one, it couldn’t have been any other episode. Band Geeks, or as many of you know it the Sweet Victory episode. I mean there are just so many great scenes from this episode starting with Squidwards terrible clarinet playing

to the flag twirlers achieving flight but ultimately giving their lives for the greater good of the marching band. 

Patrick kicks Sandy, leading to his yell in the distance is absolutely hilarious. The white Sedan joke use to crack me up when I was young, not so much anymore as an adult. Maybe it still hits for you, but I now understand the serious consequences from accidentally leaving your vehicle lights on.

Also we learned at a young age that both mayonnaise and horseradish are not instruments.

Who says this isn’t an educational program?

Playing so loud so that you actually sound good.

Spongebob trying to teach all of us what would Jesus do and to turn the other cheek. But who would want to listen to the yellow cheese preach to us? 

It also had the most inspirational speech about being in a marching band for some guy in an ambulance

And of course, what you all actually came here to see, the Sweet Victory song.

 

There we have it, my top ten Spongebob Squarepants episodes of all time. I know, I know I am leaving out some absolute classics like; Pizza Delivery, F.U.N, The Bully, The New Student, Dying for Pie, Bubble Buddy, Frankendoodle, all of the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy episodes there are just too many to count. So take mercy on me, I am just a humble man with simple Spongebob opinions.

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Connor Ryan (@connoryan68/@PodVerbalCommit)

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