Fried-Ay: Super Bowl Wins, Viral Knockouts, and Gum Etiquette…

Okay, so it’s officially Friday, which means it’s Fried-ay, which means it’s time for me to dish out some food for thought on a variety of irrelevant topics. Last week, I gave you some highly valuable pro tips, which I cleverly referred to as “Joe Tips” (because Pro and Joe both rhyme and consist of the same amount of syllables). Anyway, this week’s installment is going to be shorter; nevertheless, you may still learn a thing or two.

As I stated above, Joe Tips are little life lessons I’ve begun to collect since 1991. I learn things and I pass them down because, simply put, all I do is give. My only goal in life is to leave this world a little better than it was; thus, I have yet another tidbit for you.

For those keeping score, the Pats won their 7,000th championship in the last two decades over the weekend and the parade was held on Tuesday (or Monday or Wednesday, I’m not sure) and the most interesting clip of the day involved a group of Masshole fuckboys getting their asses kicked near Boyleston Street.

As a token male, there are two nightmares in life: commitment and seeing yourself get knocked out on Worldstar, Barstool, YouTube, etc. I’ve been jogging through the worst experiences I could ever encounter and those two rise to the very top every time.

Alas, as always, I figured out a solution: Whenever you are in/around a fight, whip out a phone and start filming.

Nobody EVER punches the camera guy. You could literally be the person who starts the damn fight but, at any point, you could whip out that 1080p film machine and you’re in the clear. Plus, if you somehow managed to get punched in the face, no one can really give you shit about it because your hands were tied up filming. Also, no one will have the knockout on camera because everyone acknowledged you were “the camera guy” in advance.

The other day I was at work and learned something: nobody’s more popular than the guy who has gum. Whether it’s at the office or at a party, you have gum to spare, you immediately jump to the top of the power rankings.

That said, I was at work the other day (as I stated above) and someone noticed I had gum. Shortly after, he walked over and asked if he could have a “slice.” For the record, any time someone refers to a stick of gum as a “slice,” they’re immediately getting one, even if I don’t have any…

However, the key word in that last sentence is “one.” There are certain idiosyncratic novelties that manifest in the gum game and one of them involves etiquette. If someone offers you a stick (or “slice”) of gum, they offered you one unless stated otherwise.

This son of a bitch jammed his grotesque fingers into my pack of Stride and drew two sticks (or “slices,” in this case), uttered thanks, and walked away.

For the record, I’m an asshole for not drawing the stick (or “slice,” in this case) for him. One could suggest that by offering the entire pack before him, I was inviting such a situation but anyone familiar with the gum game knows that’s not true.

One stick (or “slice,” in this case), everyone knows the rules…

– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)

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