Guys! Guys! GUYS! It is officially Friday, which means it’s Fried-ay, which means it’s that time of the week where genius juice flows from my ears, runs down my shoulders, and invades the crevices of my keyboard. As always, I elect to explain what Fried-ay is, so here goes nothing: Fried-ay is the greatest blog installment on the planet if you’re human; for those who aren’t, you probably don’t have consistent wifi access or a computer anyway so SCREW YOUUU AHHHHHHH.
First and foremost, March Madness is in full swing and my perfect bracket has been injured (this happened Thursday but whatever). A lot of upsets over the last few days—par for the course—but the biggest story of the tournament so far is this little online school from South Carolina, Wofford.
For those unfamiliar, you’re rooting for Wofford. They are the strangest collection of basketball talent from a name perspective you’ll ever watch. With guys like Trevor Stumpe, Nathan Hoover, Keve Aluma, Donovan Theme-love, Tray Hollowell, Isaiah Bigelow, Storm Murphy, and Messiah Jones, you just have to tip your cap, turn to your buddy, and say “$50 says they’re all Mormon.” Not to mention their biggest stud is this dude by the name of Fletcher Magee, who just broke the all time NCAA record for threes in a season last game. In other words, this guy is basically living out my dream…
I’ve always said that, out of all the athletic experiences one could go through, I think the best would be to be (awful English but whatever) that horse on a 12/13 seed (Wofford’s 7 but whatever) that makes a run in March. I mean, how great would it feel to be the guy dropping 30 a game and upsetting Kansas or something in the round of 32 knowing that every girl with low self esteem back on campus is licking her/his/its lips (I don’t assume pronouns).
My second favorite would be that third or fourth White dude off the bench who comes in to give rest to the starters but finds heat from deep and pours in 21 points off 7/9 shooting (all threes). That’s the dude who definitely has the 7-year steady girlfriend who visits campus every weekend so they can both watch Mad Men or The Bachelor in the common room though.
Okay, so for those of you who read my last Fried-ay blog, you know I have a bone to pick with the SkullCandy headphone company. To summarize, I bought pretty expensive headphones from them and they broke after a couple months—once again, par for the course—but they offer a 2-year warranty so I shipped them back.
After 2 weeks of waiting, they finally got back to me and said they’re gonna have to send me a company credit coupon because they were “out of stock” of the headphones I bought (at their FUCKING WAREHOUSE).
I said fine, waited a week for the coupon and it never came so I called them roughly four times. Finally the woman sent me the coupon and I had to buy the older model because the newer, more expensive model that broke on me was conveniently “out of stock.”
After a week of waiting, they finally arrive. I use them three times and BOOOOOMMMMM!!!
They don’t work. Won’t turn on and also, conveniently, refuse to charge. Love this company. Love this brand. Love this life. I’ll be initiating a full scale social media assault on these clowns until I’m appropriately compensated, so expect an update next week….
– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)