Breaking Down Tyler Austin’s Mound Charge

I just typed a pretty long fucking blog about the mound charge in last night’s Yankees-Red Sox game. It got deleted by accident. It was so good. It was pretty funny and there were some excellent points made. I really don’t have time to type it again right now because my boss at Old Navy hates when I use my phone. I’m already on really thin ice after a dispute last month over some missing cargo pants.

Anyway, all my blog said was that Tyler Austin (the guy who charged the mound) probably loves creatine and wears those sandals that strap behind the ankle.

My quick break down of the actual mound charge itself is that Tyler Austin is a massive loser. Granted he got hit in the spine with a flaming pitch from Joe Kelly. Did it hurt? Probably. But Austin did the opposite of take it like a man. After the bean you could see him pause and then start to cry. In classic tough guy fashion he fought off those tears by slamming his bat like a weeny. The bat kind of splintered but an actual tough guy would have shattered that thing into a million pieces. He followed the bat tantrum by standing up with his chest out like the Terminator. He took a few slow steps toward Joe Kelly-posing because he knew he was on TV. For a split second part of him forgot his dick is only 4.75 inches long.

He then broke out into a pretty slow sprint at Kelly. He remembered to remove his helmet so people wouldn’t forget he gels his hair before baseball games. The only flaw in his plan so far was that Joe Kelly was more than willing to fight him. He basically openly invited Austin up to the mound so he could kick his ass. You could tell this fucked with Tyler Austin a bit. “Didn’t he just see me break that bat and puff my chest out? I’m wicked strong. Why would he want to fight me? I have sex so much. He should be backing down.” Austin thought to himself.

But Austin persevered. It was too late for him to turn back now. So he continued toward Joe Kelly. As Austin came close to Kelly he made another fatal flaw. He had not decided which WWF wrestling move he would do on the gangly pitcher. There was the classic choke slam, the DDT, the tombstone — which would look coolest on Sportscenter? Just when Austin narrowed his choice to two of the three maneuvers he had a weird grass-like taste in his mouth ——because Kelly had smooshed his face into the earth and then proceeded to rain punches down on Austin’s nose and eyes.

Austin had blown his first big league mound charge. Lucky for him the rest of the Yankees got there before Kelly ripped him limb from limb.

See VIDEO below.

P.S. Christian Vasquez needs to step his protecting the pitcher game up. What are you doing back there? Eating a sandwhich?

-Steak Jones