Sad-urday: Fried-ay, Boring Millennials, and Movie Theater Etiquette…

Okay, so it’s Saturday, which means it’s Sad-urday, which means I’m about to unveil my new weekly blog installment that I most likely will give up on by next week. For those who normally read Couch Guy, you may or may not (probably not) be familiar with my Fried-ay blogs, which are just a bunch of disconnected ideas I spew into a WordPress document.

This week, however, is a tad different. I did not have time to type one up yesterday so allow me to introduce Sad-urday: a blog where I just write a bunch of sad stuff. The inspiration for this idea manifested from the fact I’m a genius, as well as a remarkably miserable person who loves company. Let’s get into it…

Back in 2001, a series of four coordinated terrorist attacks by the Islamic terrorist group al-Quada took the lives of nearly 3,000 innocent Americans; however, the worst terrorist attack to take place on US soil prior to that day was the Oklahoma City bombing. On April 19th, 1995, a truck packed with explosives—

You know what? I may just go back to Fried-ay. Conceptually, this just doesn’t make a lot of sense. I mean, who in their right mind would willingly read something like this?

Anyway, one of the things I talked about is how I see a SHITLOAD of movies at my local theater and every time I go, the place is EMPTY. Just an absolute ghost town and it bothers me because, back in the day, going to the movies was an awesome experience. Nowadays, kids in their twenties would rather sulk on their couch and scroll through regurgitated memes than expose themself to the general public on a Thursday night.

Side Note (on this note): I saw a meme the other day that read “Going out two nights in a row past the age of 23 is an extreme sport” and, for some reason, it drove me up a God damn wall. All the comments under the post was like “23? Try 20 lol” or “omg [laugh emoji] sooo relatable.”

For the record, I’m not that old. Sure, I could be younger but is pretending to be tired and boring all the time an actual thing now? Like, when I was in college, if you hit bars 5 times a week, you were clipping the Mendoza Line. Now I guess it’s cool to live the life of a 40-year-old divorcee and I’ll never understand it. What is so tiring about these kids’ life? Fucking SnapChat? I don’t know dude, it just pissed me off to no end. Grow up…

Anyway (X2), I saw Avengers Endgame on its opening night (AWESOME BTW) and the theater was PACKED. It was the first time I’d seen a theater so full in roughly a decade. Normally I can kick my feet up, rub one out, and throw the candy of my choice at the screen for two hours without anyone batting an eyelash, but this time, I was rubbing elbows my my common man. Long story short, it was everything I thought I wanted… until I got it.

For some reason or another, our population continues to assert itself as monumental swath of mouth-breathing hacks who perpetually operate as if they’re alone in their living room on a Sunday morning. Simply put, there’s just no shame anymore. I’m all for people having high self esteem and shit, but not when it neglects common courtesy.

First off, once the movie starts, shut the fuck up. In this particular case, people were cheering and hollering at points of the movie—which I was more than fine with because it was a unique component of the whole Avengers “experience”—but that’s different because it was a genuine reaction to what’s happening on-screen. There were these two older women in front of me periodically chatting about one of their bathroom remodeling projects, as well as their pre-movie meal at Panera Bread and I had to fight every urge in my body not to stand up and just repeatedly slam their skulls together for the remainder of the film.

Also, if you’re going to the movies, be on time. I couldn’t tell you how many people showed up during the previews, exclusively so they could moronically stand in the aisle with gaping mouths as they scanned across the seating landscape. Like yeah dude, you’re not getting a prime seat. The ticket says 7:00 PM and you showed up at 7:04 with a $12 bag of Swedish Fish like a dirtbag. Just walk in, find an open section, and hit the hole like a fullback trying to make the 52-man roster. Either that, or wait until it crashes Netflix…

– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)