Guys, guys, GUYS!!! It’s officially Saturday, which means it’s Sad-urday, which means I was unable to post my weekly Fried-ay blog yesterday and elected to create a new running blog installment to avoid the shame of being inconsistent. Until next Friday, consider Fried-ay dead, unless I fail to answer the bell again, in which case Fried-ay will remain dead until further notice.
For those unfamiliar with what Sad-urday is, don’t be alarmed. Every
Friday Saturday, I make sure to clarify what Sad-urday is at the forefront of the blog in order to avoid confusion. Upon realizing that will never work, I end up just saying stuff like “Sad-urday is a celebration of sorrow and dejection. It’s a counseling session in the form of a wordpress document. It’s a reason to cry when life runs smoother than the Danube River. It’s where I just dump a bunch of stuff that makes me sad onto unsuspecting Internet travelers.”
The Patriots continue their quest for 19-0 this Sunday against the Redskins who, according to sources, are still an actual football team. Evidently, the circus that Dan Snyder is running down there in the nation’s capitol has set up somewhat of a festive skirmish against America’s team and, as it turns out, my buddy will be in attendance for the game.
Yeah, I guess him and a few friends flew down to D.C. in order to attend the game, which brings up a critical question: Is my buddy a genius? I mean, I’m an avid sports fan but one of the biggest issues with being a Boston sports fan, in particular, is that you need to refinance your loans in order to attend a game. Whether it’s Fenway, Gillette, or TD, getting through the door will inevitably cost you an arm and leg. Getting drunk enough to enjoy yourself is an entirely different affair.
When attending away games, that all changes. I was looking up tickets to FedExField out of curiosity yesterday and that shit is dirt cheap. At this point, the Redskins organization is essentially paying people to fill the bleachers, which begs yet another critical question: Am I a genius for figuring out my buddy’s a genius?
From this day forward, I will never attend another home game in my life. With all things considered, I could buy a flight/game voucher/hotel in some shit city for the same price I would pay to get through security in Boston. Not only do I get to see the Pats hang 70 on the Redskins (or insert whatever team), I’d also get to take an Instagram photo in front of the White House (or insert another symbol of toxic White masculinity).
In case you haven’t read a blog of mine in the last year, I work the graveyard shift. The only reason I bring that up is because it works to better frame the narrative. I want people to think I’m not a psycho even though I’m actually a psycho.
On two separate occasions this week, I’ve ordered diner food for breakfast; and on both those occasions, my waitress failed to charge me the appropriate amount. For the record, most diners offer what they call a set of “Early Bird Specials”—menu items you can buy before 6 am for a fraction of the price.
Both times, however, I was charged the traditional amount for my omelet. Now, I don’t expect people to weep for me or anything but that is a GIGANTIC injustice. When it comes to breakfast food, the most you’re guaranteed to pay for a meal is roughly $13, and that’s remarkably high. With that being said, the $2-3 I’m being overcharged is a GIGANTIC deal. When you amplify the situation, that’s like paying $60,000 for a $45,000 car.
The only problem is that I don’t want to sound cheap. I don’t want this 60-year-old waitress to think I’m some scumbag who doesn’t tip; nevertheless, I’m not one to capitulate to a nonconsensual early morning backdoor sexual assault every time I’m craving hash browns.
So here’s the line I’m drawing in the sand: If you don’t appropriately charge someone for the early bird special, you’re only hurting yourself. That shit’s coming out of your tip. Be a better waitress. GOOD DAY SIR!
This is an incredibly minuscule take but every few months, Merriam Webster’s dictionary goes viral for adding new words/phrases into the formal vernacular and I don’t know how I feel about that. In my opinion, you can’t just add words to the English language.
Point blank: Slang is slang and slang is cool. Once you add slang to the dictionary, it fails to remain slang, which means it’s not cool. Keep slang, slang. Keep cool, cool. That’s it…
– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)