What a wild first two weeks in the NFL. Ryan Fitzpatrick is apparently Jesus Fucking Christ? Every kicker looks like Billy Cundiff. The Browns might be kinda good? Or do the Saints and Steelers just blow? OH AND TWO TIES… I know week 3 is real early in the season but starting 0-3 can really fuck up an entire season, so with that being said teams like the Texans, Giants and Lions are really on the hot seat this week. Let’s do some power rankings, keep in mind these rankings are based on the past two weeks. Don’t freak the fuck out when the Pats aren’t one!
- LA Rams: The Rams are a goddamn juggernaut right now and honestly I don’t see their dominance dropping off anytime soon. Marcus Peters and Talib are playing elite ball right now oh and Aaron Donald is the best defensive player on the planet. (Mack close second) Oh and that offense can drop 40 any given sunday, The fact that Goff has Gurley, Cooks and the emerging Cooper Kupp in his arsenal is a scary sight.
- Jacksonville Jaguars: DUVAL!! Just kidding nothing I fucking hate more than that chant. I went to the Steelers Jags Playoff Game last January and that’s all their fake fans would chant in the streets after embarrassing the Steelers at Heinz. The Jaguars defense is a force to be reckoned with, they just shut down Gronk? Has that ever happened? Bortles looks real comfortable and is absolutely a dual threat QB. Keelan Cole could be real legit. You see that catch sunday? Damn. If Lenny can stay on the field, I really don’t know if anyone in the AFC can beat the Jags.
- Minnesota Vikings: If it wasn’t for Daniel Carlson shitting his pants Sunday, The Vikes would be 2-0. Minnesota also had their fair share of luck after a terrible roughing the passer call on Clay Matthews. Kirk Cousins looks unreal and worth all of the money. Dalvin Cook has started off a bit slow but he’ll be back into mid season form in no time. Diggs and Thielen are arguably the best wr tandem in football, oh and that defense is so legit. Minnesota is honestly my favorite coming out of the NFC.
- Kansas City Chiefs: Is Pat Mahomes the fucking man or what? I really don’t know if anyone can stop him and that offense. I know the Steelers blow but 6 touchdowns on the road in your second career start, not bad? Kansas City is going to struggle on defense all year but when they’re dropping 40 points a game does that really matter?
- New England Patriots: The Pats haven’t looked great to start the year, but they never start off hot. All of their running backs are banged up and Julian is still out. It has pretty much been find Gronk or bust these past few games. That will change soon with Josh Gordon coming to town. Gordon, Gronk and Edelman? Not cool. I really don’t look much into their loss in Jacksonville, when the game truly matters the Pats will probably come out on top.
- Philadelphia Eagles: Looks like Carson Wentz will be back this Sunday, which is huge for Philly. Nick Foles blowsssss. I really still can’t fathom the fact he took down Tom Brady in the Super Bowl. Foles luckily didn’t dig Philly in that deep of a hole these past two weeks, Philly still has a share of first place at 1-1. We’ll see if Carson Wentz can return to MVP form, even if it takes some time his defense has the ability to bail him out.
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers: So uh… through two weeks Ryan Fitzpatrick has 8 touchdowns and over 800 yards.. What. The guy is on a fucking tear right now, Desean Jackson is playing like it’s 2011 oh and Mike Evans is destined to go off any given Sunday. If you’re Dirk Koetter, you can’t bench Fitzmagic right now.
- Green Bay Packers: All signs pointed to another season without Aaron Rodgers after taking a hit to the knee week one. After missing a quarter, Arod popped an oxy and took down a real good Bears team. Rodgers is not ready to hand over the keys to The North yet, throwing for nearly 300 yards and a score against the Vikings this past Sunday. Rodgers health will dictate how far the Pack go.
- LA Chargers: If it wasn’t for facing Pat Mahomes week one, The Super Chargers would most likely be 2-0. The Chargers D will struggle a bit without Joey Bosa these next few weeks but that offense looks unreal. The past season or so Philip Rivers has easily played the best ball of his career. The Chargers can really make some noise this year. It’s still fucking stupid they moved outta San Diego though. Like calling them the Los Angeles Chargers sucks.
- Chicago Bears: If it wasn’t for Aaron Rodgers being Aaron Rodgers, The Bears would be 2-0. The defense is so legit. Mack is playing at any unbelievable level, his strip sack of Russell Wilson last night? Nastyyyyyy. The Bears offense is a real fun one to watch, Trubisky is beginning to gain chemistry with Robinson and Burton. Jordan Howard on the other hand has yet to adapt to Matt Naggy’s offense but he’s too good to struggle. The Bears are going to be a real fun team to watch for a long time.
- Atlanta Falcons: After a terrible loss to Philly, The Falcons bounced back with a nice divisional win over Carolina. I really can’t tell if Matt Ryan sucks or not? Guy is super inconsistent. The playmakers around him mask his mediocrity, but hey “if it helps it helps.”-Matt Hart. Atlanta lost Two big playmakers in the secondary in Keanu Neal and Deion Jones. Expect a lot of high scoring games from Atlanta.
- Carolina Panthers: Carolina lost a tough one to Atlanta over the weekend, doesn’t change the fact that they’re a top 12 team in this league. It’s looking like another year without Greg Olsen, but Newton always manages to get it done. Christian McCaffrey caught 14 balls Sunday expect a high volume of targets to continue. Carolina does lack a true number one pass catcher, take a stab at Dez?
- Denver Broncos: Von Miller and the Broncos are off to a nice 2-0 start, to be honest, I didn’t think they’d be that great this year but Case Keenum is getting the job done so far. Emmanuel Sanders is playing at an elite level again oh and some dude named Philip Lindsey is running wild. If Royce Freeman can stop sucking they could be a great tandem. There’s no doubt Denver will have a good defense, if their offense can be decent they may be pretty good.
- New Orleans Saints: Man what a shitty two weeks from the Saints. The struggles can be pretty much pinned on the defense, giving up 48 to Ryan Fitzpatrick ain’t cool. Then the Browns almost beat them!! Drew Brees is absolutely doing his part, Michael Thomas is becoming one of the best pass catchers in the game. The dudes caught 28 balls in 2 games. Kamara has been playing real well in the passing game, but the absence of Marky Mark Ingram has revealed Kamara is more of gadget than every down back (Hot take). New Orleans really needs to figure it the fuck out on defense or they’ll be in big trouble.
- Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers should probably be a little higher but I am so pissed at these assholes right now. Talk about a shit show to start the season. Lev Bell has yet to show up we got Antonio Brown asking to be traded on Twitter. Big Ben still sucks on the road, the defense is horrible and Mike Tomlin is still meh. HOW CAN YOU GIVE UP 42 AT HOME! Oh and they gave up 45 at Heinz in the Divisional Round too. Since the loss of Ryan Shaizer the defense has gone to fucking hell. Besides Juju, James Connor and TJ Watt this team has looked really inconsistent and shitty. Ben did play his goddamn heart out Sunday so kudos to him. Must win Monday for the Steelers.
- Cincinnati Bengals: The Bengals typically start off hot but the question is can they remain constant during the entirety of the season. The Bengals picked up a huge divisional win over Baltimore last week, in a division like the AFC North division wins are vital. With all of that being said Marvin Lewis will lose control of the locker room in no time.
- Baltimore Ravens: Three AFC North teams in a row? Yeah. I really think the Steelers-Bengals and Ravens are all mid-tier teams at this point. Last Thursday was a huge opportunity for Joe Flacco, and he fucking blew it. Besides Joe Flaccid the Ravens still have a talented roster, that defense is legit and they have enough talent on offense. Makes me wonder if the Ravens would be better with RGIII or Lamar Jackson under center.
- Tennessee Titans: The one two punch of Dion Lewis and Derrick Henry can be real good if they find consistency. They have a real stout defense that includes the likes of Malcolm Butler and Jurrell Casey. I loved the signing of Mike Vrabel. This team will only go as far as Mariota goes if he can stay on the field and not suck every other week Tennessee could make some noise.
- Miami Dolphins: Have to give credit where credit is due right? The Dolphins are off to a pretty good start. Tannehill’s is doing exactly what he needs to do to win, manage the game.
- San Francisco 49ers: I’m really not on the Garoppolo train, I think he’ll be decent. The Niners and Jimmy had such high expectations this year, which is unfair. This team is definitely a year or two away. Defense looks pretty good though.
- Dallas Cowboys: I really thought the Cowboys were going to get bitch slapped all year, but that defense is pretty legit only allowing 14.5 ppg. Saquon Barkley had nowhere to run Sunday night and OBJ was bottled up. Dak Prescott fails to impress me, very misleading rooking campaign. This team is going to drag Zeke Elliott to the ground.
- Houston Texans: Slow start for Houston but I really think they’ll end up being okay this year. DeShaun Watson will hopefully return to who he is, because man was that great for football. I feel like Houston has way too good of a roster to be meh, not sure if Bill O’Brien deserved an extension.
- Washington Redskins: Tough loss for the Skins Sunday, thought they were a lock to beat Indy. The bottom line is Adrian Peterson can’t be your every down back and Paul Richardson has no fucking place being a number one target. Dez has expressed interest in playing for you guys, hit him up!!
- Detroit Lions: I really think Patricia and the Lions are better than it seems. Just a slow start? That defense has too many playmakers to get blown up every week. Can Matt Stafford get a damn running game? The dude has had to drop back and throw 50 balls a week for his whole career.
- Indianapolis Colts: Andrew Luck has looked pretty good to start the season. Really doesn’t change the fact that the Colts are going to be bad for a real long time. Weird to think Chuck Pagano went to a conference championship.
- New York Jets: Tough loss to Miami, but the future is bright in New York. Sam Darnold is going to be a star and that defense has some playmakers in the wings. It may take a few years to get the wheels moving but the Jets are going to be good for a long time eventually.
- Oakland Raiders: Derek Carr and Marshawn Lynch are both playing some real good ball but man is Oakland bad. Signing Jon Gruden to a 10 year 100 million dollar contract? Fucking ridiculous. Mack is making Oakland look real bad for trading him away but honestly getting 2 first rounders for a guy who wasn’t going to play for you? Not a bad gig.
- New York Giants: The Giants just can’t get it done man. Time to move away from Eli and have Pat Shurmur to bloom a young coach. OBJ and Barkley are too talented to go 5-11 every year.
29: Seattle Seahawks: Seattle is fucking bad man. Poor Russell Wilson has no time to throw the ball and no one to throw to. Oh and no running game. We’ll see if Penny can emerge into something, he got some late reps last night. Rebuild time in Seattle.
30: Cleveland Browns: Hey the Browns aren’t last! But honestly if the Browns weren’t the Browns, they would probably be 2-0. Zane Gonzalez should be banished from the NFL! I really hope and think Cleveland can turn it around. Tyrod better win Thursday night or the boo birds would be out in no time.
31: Arizona Cardinals: The Cards have David Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald and Chandler Jones and that’s about it. Might as well play Josh Rosen at this point.
32: Buffalo Bills: The Bills are so fucking bad Vontae Davis quit at halftime Sunday. As a supporter of the Mafia this is going to be a tough season to watch. I do like Josh Allen though 🙂
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