Yesterday I was fortunate enough to take out a multi billion-dollar loan from my local bank so that I could have enough money to attend a Boston Red Sox game. As I sat in the grandstands drinking $55 Bud Lights and watching my beloved Sox put an absolute beat down on the Yankees, I had a revelation. I realized that the real athletes aren’t the schlubs on the field – the real athletes are the stadium beer vendors.
Has no one else ever realized that those sons of guns are the pinnacle of athleticism? I mean seriously, a stadium beer vendor is an NFL linebacker, crossfiter, and soccer player all rolled up into one sweaty, agitated ball. And best of all, they have dynamic personalities too.
Some facts about my heroes, the beer vendors:
- The average MLB beer vendor can clean-and-jerk 315lbs
- The record for fastest beer thrown at a fan was recorded in 2004 at Miller Park in Milwaukee, when Doug Waters threw a Coors Light 77 MPH
- It is a requirement that all beer vendors own a StairMaster
- To decide which vendor sells which brand of beer, participants play a bracket-style Candy Land tournament
- The Boston sausage vendor is required to take vocal lessons in order to strengthen their voice for yelling “sausage, peppa, onion!!!”
- Some vendors are nice
- Some are mean
- Vendors are encouraged to get high on their own supply
There has been a lot of reports circulating that say a Beer Vendor Combine is being put into place starting in 2020. I, for one, think it is a fabulous idea and a great opportunity for D2 and D3 college vendors to get a chance to show their stuff and get a shot at the big leagues. After all, the MLB beer vendor game is all about exposure and seizing opportunity.
– Rob Jones (@RobDark_13)