I’m Still Not Cornhole World Champion; Life Still Unfair

So here’s the deal. Your boy has been on a bit of a sabbatical (AKA I quit my job weeks ago and have been doing a ton of sitting and breathing) and, as such, I have seen a fair amount of television recently. During this time off and television viewing, it came to my attention that the great sport of Cornhole has officially hit the big time and is on the ESPN family of networks now.

http://www.iplaycornhole.com
https://americancornhole.com/aco-worlds-xi/

For those of you that don’t know, cornhole is defined as: a game in which small bags filled with dried corn are tossed at a target consisting of an inclined wooden platform with a hole at one end.

Basically, these crazy fucks sawed a coffee table in half, drilled some holes in each side, and decided to throw beanbags of corn into them from approximately 27 feet away. Completely normal and rational behavior.

Cornhole+2

I gotta be honest though. I’ve played a time or 30-dozen, and I’m a fan. It’s a fabulous beach/yard game. And thats why when I was at home on a Tuesday afternoon at 1pm watching a rerun of the Cornhole World Championships I was so floored.

Like, if there are two things in this world that I love above all else, it’s a nicely shucked ear of corn, and sinking buckets. And that’s why I am so upset that, to my surprise and dismay, I have failed once again to become the Cornhole champion of the world.

Now, most of the (jealous) people who know me will say that I have yet to be crowned because:

  1. I don’t have a partner
  2. I have not once entered a cornhole tournament
  3. I am an extremely, extremely average cornhole player
  4. I just learned that it is on ESPN like two minutes ago

To those people I say, “correct.”

But lets try to keep logistics and semantics and other words that kind-of-but-don’t-really apply out of this. It’s an absolute crime I’m not a national champion.

Based on my extensive research, there are only three things you need to be in order to win a cornhole national championship:

  1. Alcoholism
  2. 1-2 arm(s) and hand(s)
  3. A human that is willing to stand next to you for like 20 minutes

So I say again, where is my title belt???

I swear on the great state of Nebraska that I will spend the next 300-some-odd days training. I’m going to sweat bean bags, breathe wooden structures built to stand at a 45-degree angle, most certainly going to continue drinking domestic beers, and hopefully, if I play my cards right, make one friend.

Summer 2019: Rob Jones and player-to-be-named-later  –  Cornhole National Champions

Rob Jones (@RobDark_13 )

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