As football season finally comes around, a critical question analysts have been missing arises.
If a Patriots player was a tree, what kind would they be?
Yes, I know what you’re thinking. “Finally someone is asking the REAL questions!”
You are correct. Let’s start with the new lead signal caller and captain, Mr Newton.
Cam Newton – Maple Tree
This is so painfully obvious that I’m not sure you need an explanation.
Maple Trees are all over the place and are a common tree. They are strong trees that look good in any situation.
Cam Newton is very strong. He also has used this strength to carry teams on his back.
Cam is successful anywhere he goes. He always won besides some seasons on putrid teams in Carolina, but he held steadfast in his personal greatness.
The guy is a one man offense. Tried and true and looks god anywhere.
Good on ya, Cam.
Julian Edelman – Cherry Tree
Another strong tree, but smaller and prettier.
These trees have nice white or pink flowers in the spring and are hailed for attractiveness.
They are reliable and can grow in many hardiness zones.
Julian Edelman is reliable and also a handsome man. His physique and reliable hands match the reliable beauty and growth of Cherry Trees.
We stan a reliable and handsome king.
Still trying to get him fixed up with my sister…whose favorite tree happens to be a cherry tree.
She;s on board, just can’t seem to get Julian to reply. I digress…
Matthew Slater – Oak Tree
Oak Trees are strong and reliable. They can grow anywhere and can stand up to much punishment.
They’re a classic tree for building (the amish often use it) as it is durable, strong, and easy to work with.
Everyone loves a good, solid, oak tree.
You know who is durable and reliable and easy to work with? Matthew Slater, future Hall of Fame special teams player.
Slater is a longtime captain on the team, a leader, and a great locker room presence.
Everyone likes Oak and everyone likes Slater. Make sense?
Stephon Gilmore – Ash Tree
Stephon was trickier, if only because few trees are as cool and good as he is.
However, I found the one that works.
When people think of the Patriots now they think of Cam (of course) and Julian, among other stars.
Stephon does not come up as often even though he is the best player on the team and maybe a top 5 player in the whole NFL.
Similarly, nobody ever thinks of the Ash tree. The ash grows prolifically from Europe to North America. There are a lot of them.
Gilmore can cover anyone for any amount of ground. Ash trees can be related to olive and lavender trees, or be evergreens.
Similarly, no matter the receiver, he can match up. Big, small, fast or slow, Gilmore is locking you down.
The ash tree is the perfect match for the future hall of fame cornerback.
Devin McCourty – Pine Tree
Devin McCourty as had a few roles for the Patriots.
He’s been a corner and a safety, a young player and a captain, a quiet leader and a vocal one. Devin has done whatever the team needed of him and done it well.
If you need a player to bend his role a bit to help the team win, this is one of the best in the NFL. Versatile and smart, this is a player who would make any team better.
Pine trees grow abundantly all across New England and actually live in some of the harshest conditions where other trees cannot thrive. They are versatile and do well in storms by being flexible enough to bend in high wind or under snow.
They grow all over the world and have existed for millions of years.
These conifers ability to grow anywhere and thrive, matches the long standing greatness of McCourty.
It isn’t most people favorite tree, but it may be the most important type of tree that exists and maybe should be.
Also, I can’t tell white pines and red pines apart, so one must be Jason and one is Devin. I’m just not sure which is which.
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-Brent Buckley (@bigbucksbuckley on twitter)