I Don’t Care, I Want The Ravens…

Okay, so it’s around 3pm on the Saturday of Wild Card Weekend and what a slate it’s chalked up to be. ESPN has the preliminary coverage, which can only mean one thing: Suzy Kolber.

For the record, Suzy Kolber’s always been one of my low-key TV crushes. I even have this thing in my group chat called Rating Suzy Kolber’s Outfit where I—you guessed it—rate Suzy Kolber’s outfit. It’s probably the most important thing I do and before everyone on the Internet claims objectification, allow me to clarify I am not grading Suzy Kolber’s attractiveness. I judge women exclusively based on personality (among other things, such as height and birthing hips). That said, let’s get into it…

Sorry this looks like it was taken on a Motorola Razr

On this quaint Saturday afternoon, Suzy Kolber rolls into NRG Stadium with a look that says “I’m a beer gal, but I can also provide you with astute insight into the differences between Cabernet Savignon and Ribera del Duero.” For the record, the turtleneck—a Kolber trademark—is a solid touch. Nothing says sophistication like polyester that envelops the neck. Overall, this is a conservative look that, although I respect, doesn’t necessarily blow the needle.

Final Rating: 7.8

Now, let’s get into the games…

I won’t provide too much insight considering that, by the time most of you read this, it’ll be too late (I had work all day. Lay off), but I will say a few things.

First and foremost, as a Pats fan, I’ve heard a number of desired outcomes. As the season has progressed, a few things have become clear about this team, one being this “isn’t their year.”

And although that holds some truth, I will say this: they finished 11-5 and, without that bullshit loss to Miami, this team would hold the tiebreaker against Kansas City, making them the 1-seed in the AFC. In other words, they should have home field advantage throughout these playoffs, which would’ve been huge considering they’re the only team in the league that has yet to fail in their own backyard. Nonetheless, I’m optimistic.

If you want insight into what needs to happen for the Pats to play the following teams, navigate elsewhere. All you need to know is there are three possible opponents Brady could line up against next week: the Texans, Ravens, or Chargers.

To be perfectly honest, I think the Pats beat every one of these teams so I don’t really care. The Pats are great at two things: winning off a BYE and winning at home. Next week, they’ll have the luxury of both; however, if I had to choose their best option, I’d say the Ravens.

Understandably, everyone in New England is cautious of playing Baltimore, and with good reason; nevertheless, Bill bends over rookie quarterbacks. The defense will be trouble but the Pats seem to have committed to that dink and dunk offense that has frustrated top 5-defenses since Bush was in office. For some reason, it seems that their style of play has dilluted these big name fronts over the years and I think, paired with the fact Lamar Jackson seemingly has a cap on throwing for over 125 yards, I don’t see any reason why the Pats can’t load the box and force this dude to test their corners—who, by the way, have arguably been the best in the league this season.

That said, I don’t care. Bring on the iron. I want those frauds in Kansas City again when it comes down to it. i don’t care if it’s in Arrowhead or not. Feed me the best and let the doubters hit Twitter for a week. Brady and co. feeds off that shit…

– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)

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