Hockey Penalties as the Six Worst Horoscopes

This is the hard hitting journalism that I know y’all are looking for. Thought I would write something kind of fun this week. With covid taking over the NHL, and postponements galore, I figured it would be a good time for something light and what’s better than penalties and horoscopes?! So grab a warm beverage and buckle up to find out if your horoscope is truly one of the worst six and which penalty may apply to you! (Obviously none of them are actually the worst, except Scorpio! Sorry not sorry.)


Slashing – Pisces

Pisces (February 19th-March 20th) are generally impulsive and are irresponsible. Slashing is a very avoidable penalty and really, what do you gain by slashing? Such a Pisces move, if they could think through the consequences of their actions, their team wouldn’t have to play a man short for 2 minutes.

Roughing – Gemini

Geminis (May 21st-June 20th) are known to be vindictive and have major mood swings. Everyone who knows anything about hockey knows that players chirp each other often. Part of the game, but a Gemini would react to this before thinking and likely get a roughing penalty. As a Gemini myself, I definitely don’t not relate- mood swings are part of being the sign of the twin.

High sticking – Taurus

In their not so humble opinion, Taurus (April 21st-May 21st) believes that they are the center of the universe. So when they have the opportunity to high-stick their opponent while battling for the puck, they will! Why? Because they can be lazy and they want the puck! Now.

Fighting- Aries

Aries (March 21st-April 19th) are known to be aggressive and hot-tempered so of course the penalty that corresponds the best is fighting! Aries love to play dirty, and are also quite unpredictable. But who doesn’t like a good fight once in a while? I’m not complaining.

Spearing -Scorpio

Ah Scorpios (October 23rd and November 21st) … Two negative traits that are commonly held by Scorpios are vindictiveness and aggressiveness. They will do awful things and often times, people do not see it coming. Sorry, Scorpios but spearing is the penalty you’re stuck with.

Tripping – Aqua

Last, but certainly not least, Aquarius (January 20th-February 19th) can often be described as a sign that doesn’t have the best work ethic. On top of that, they often think the rules don’t apply to them! So, if they just trip a player a little bit to get the puck back, the refs won’t notice or call it.


(image credits: https://thehockeywriters.com)


If you’re into horoscopes, let me know if you agree with my takes! Which ones do you think you would list differently? ALSO, what is your horoscope and does it match the penalty type listed?

Thanks for joining me on a bit of a chaotic read, hope you laughed (either at me or with me is fine).


(featured image: https://www.wingingitinmotown.com)


-Allison Smith (@Zegraslsgreener)

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