As everyone probably knows by now, the 26th annual ESPY awards take place tonight on ABC. And like the majority of the population, when I think of award shows I immediately think of ways that I could gamble on them. However, most of the prop bets that are usually offered (if any) are fairly lame. So, naturally, that got my extremely small, outré brain to shift out of neutral for a minute and come up with some props of my own.
So without further ado, the officially unofficial list of 2018 ESPY prop bets:
- Number of times my family members text me that Danica Patrick is hot
This is a tough one because it really just comes down to how late my dad is willing to stay awake. If the old man can make it till 10pm this number shoots up exponentially. Another factor is if my cousin sticks with beer or if he breaks into the whiskey.
Official over/under: 3.5 “Danica is hot” texts
- Number of middle fingers given out by Bill Russell
Our close pal Grampa Bill has been on quite the middle finger spree in recent years. The 11-time NBA champ is playing the ‘old man’ card to perfection and getting away with just about anything these days. It seems hard to imagine him not flipping a bird or nine tonight.
Official over/under: 1.5 middle fingers
- How many times will I openly weep
I think I’ve cried at every single ESPY show that I’ve ever watched. It’s just a simple fact. The ESPY producers are good for 2-3 segments each year that make me have to pretend like there are metric tons of dust in my cornea so my friends wont call me hurtful names for crying on their couch. But whatever. If crying at the Jimmy V Award video package is wrong, I flat out refuse to be right.
Official over/under: 2 crying sessions
- How many LeBron James/Lakers jokes will be told and how many times will they cause me to leap out of a window
I might be alone on this one, but I’m already fed up with the LeBron/Lakers storyline and its not even August. There is not a single chance in the world that people wont make a billion jokes about this tonight. I’ve already changed the channel three times and the show hasn’t even started yet.
Official over/under on number of LeBron/Laker jokes: In the words of Cady Heron, “The limit does not exist.”
Official over/under on me leaping from my window: 1
- Which athlete will make a fool of themselves
This is a tough one as well because, generally speaking, the ESPYs seem to be a bit more tame than some other award shows. There aren’t as many Kanye/Tswift moments at this particular event (unfortunately). But at the same time, when you mix alcohol, cameras, and copious amounts of massive egos, things are bound to happen. I, for one, am praying for some fireworks.
Official list of possible jackanapes:
Odell Beckham Jr. (some dancing, some booze, etc)
Dennis Rodman (probably wont even be there, but I’m confident he can find a way)
Aaron Rodgers (home boy might get jealous that my dad is texting me about how his girlfriend is hot)
Russell Westbrook (just because he is going to wear something preposterous)
Well that’s about it, folks. Hopefully this gives you extra incentive to tune in and check out the ESPYs. And while you probably wont get anyone to actually bet on this with you, feel free to turn it into a drinking game. I’d love to join you.
-Rob Dark (@RobDark_13)