Fried-Ay: Super Bowls, Joe Tips, And Sausage Cart Vendors…

Guys, guys, GUYS! It’s Friday, which means it’s Fried-ay, which means it’s time to embark on the only blog series worth reading on a Friday, unless it’s posted on another day. As always, I would like to start my Fried-ay blog by saying there are no rules with these things. I teleport from idea to idea without any transition whatsoever so if you like structure, navigate elsewhere (thanks for the click though).

So it’s officially the weekend, but more importantly, we’re only two—COUNT EM’— TWO, days away from the greatest spectacle in sports entertainment. Considering Couch Guy’s been delivering top notch coverage on the event, I won’t get into it here. That said, 34-18 good guys…

Throughout my life, I’ve been gathering life lessons that I want to pass down to future children that I may or may not ever have. Consider them existential pro tips, which is why I’ve nicknamed them “Joe Tips” (fucking genius, I know) and I’ll give you a little sneak peak below.

The first Joe Tip I have is guaranteed to save you money. Let me ask you this: How many times have you forgotten you wallet or needed a buddy of yours to loan you $5 for something? Say you’re grabbing breakfast or don’t have cash for a cover charge or whatever.

Anyway, whenever that person presents you with that sum of cash/services, you simply respond with “Thanks man, we’ll just call it even.” Why? Because now you have that person thinking something like “Wait, did I owe him money?”

There are two possible outcomes that could manifest from this situation, and I will provide two possible solutions. The first outcome is that the person questions you on why they owe you money, to which you completely brush off the question and express something “Nah dude, it’s whatever. Just forget about it.” If they persist, just keep letting them know it’s really not a big deal at all. If they shrug it off, you pay them back the $5, but more often than none, that puts the leverage back on your side of the court for the next negotiation.

The second outcome is that person—in an attempt to not sound like a poor, forgetful friend—just accepts the fact that they probably owe you money and you eat for free that morning.

The second JOE TIP I have for you today is to capitalize on the influential capacity of the phrase “Nah dude, look it up…”

As a genius, I get in a lot of arguments. One of the things I’ve noticed in contemporary debate is that most arguments devolve to the point where both parties are just arguing complete and utter nonsense. Facts blend into fiction, and this where you start to implement this Joe Tip.

When you reach this point of an argument, feel free to say whatever it takes to cement your argument—whether it’s factual or not—as long as you follow it up with “Nah dude, look it up…”

Why? Because, well, NOBODY EVERY LOOKS IT UP.

It can be anything. I could sit there and assert that women, contrary to popular belief, actually have smaller brains. You disagree? Nah dude, look it up…

If you say it forcefully enough, no one will question you on it. Essentially, I’m just capitalizing on our society’s inclination to favor convenience in favor of research.

I was in Boston a couple weeks ago and there’s this place within rock-throwing distance of Fenway Park called Lucky Strike. Essentially, it’s mid 20-year-old, degenerate male kryptonite. Just three floors of beer, bowling, billiards, and bitches (I’m sure male dogs are also allowed in). For our Chicago readers, think Sluggers, only with less batting cages and more assholes wearing backwards Polo hats and alternately colored, Rajon Rondo jerseys from 2012.

The place is dope, but more importantly, we need to discuss what’s going on outside this place. In New England, it’s about -50 degrees out; however, it’s refreshing to see that us New Englanders still put a premium on occupational integrity.

We like to talk a lot about heroes in our society. All you need to do is check the box offices numbers or attend an armed forced fundraiser to understand this: we love Superheroes. That said, the real heroes in our society don’t dawn capes or station themselves in the Middle East; the real heroes are the sausage cart vendors that await the flocks of drunk twenty-somethings on the excursions from the bar at 2 AM in the morning. Do your part—buy a dog.

– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)

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