Fried-Ay: Kardashians, Tony Soprano, and Bobby K

Okay, so it’s Saturday, which means it’s Friday, which means it’s Fried-ay: the only blog series on the Internet you MUST read on Friday unless it’s posted on a Saturday, Monday, Tuesday, or not posted at all (last week).

Anyway, I honestly don’t have much to discuss today, but there’s been a shitload of stuff in the news this week so I may just comment on that, or not. As always, I just release the genius of my brain onto the page and see where it goes.

I guess there’s trouble in paradise with the Kardashians again. Turns out, Tristan Thompson (some fucking bum on the Cavs) is married to the Kardashian who used to be fat and I guess he cheated on her with some pudgy bitch who watches his kids or Kim’s kid’s or the younger sister’s kids. I’m really not sure and I have no intention of looking it up but I remember seeing a story like this last year so I’m sure it’s not the first time this has happened.

This is the thing with the Kardashians though—they’re absolute geniuses. That mother pulls strings like you read about. The Kardashian family is a God damn cultural wagon. Whereas the UK has the Royal Family, the good ole’ red, white, and blue have Kim and Co. and I couldn’t be prouder to call them our own.

I’ve made this point before on previous blogs but, in the words of Boston treasure Peter McNeeley: “If you don’t respect the Kardashians, you have a big dump in your pants.”

I mean, they’ve been in the public spotlight for over a decade at this point and they keep finding ways to reinvent themselves. Why? Because whenever a storyline gets old, they take that shit out back and give it the ole’ Lassie treatment. They pull a Michael Scott and get ahead of the story before the story consumes them.

What I mean by that is, do you really think this was just another routine case of infidelity? Do you really think this whole fiasco manifested naturally?

Sure, Tristan Thompson’s a fucking idiot, but that’s exactly why they chose him in the first place. The minute the Kardashian mother surveyed the NBA landscape and saw Lebron praise this dude constantly for some reason, she pointed her finger and said “He’s perfect.”

Point blank: the guy sucks, but ultimately, Lebron loved him. He pulled strings in Cleveland for years to get this guy a roster spot, and even though he sucked, it pulled the Khardashians closer to the realm of NBA royalty. They wanted a scandal with Lebron. If they could somehow infiltrate that circle, they could work their way into breaking up his, as well as others’ (like Dwayne Wade’s) marriages. Could you imagine if one of the clowns from that family banged King James? Headlines like you read out. Instagram and Twitter would literally split in half.

That’s what they wanted, but it wasn’t in the cards. They used Tristan Thompson like a cog. He was merely a pawn in their grander scheme.

Unfortunately for the mother, it didn’t work out so she enlisted the help of some irrelevant hog to do her dirty work for her. She went up to this babysitter and sent out the hit, Tony Soprano-style.

Side note: I can just picture the Khardashian mother walking into a room full of Khardashians after Lebron left Cleveland—thereby making Tristan Thompson irrelevant again—and delivering that “You’re supposed to be earners!” speech Tony gives to his crew in the fourth season.

In other happy news, Patriots’ owner Robert Kraft found himself in some hot water yesterday when it was reported that he had ties with a prostitution ring in Florida. My original take I blogged for another site was that I blame Florida because Florida sucks but I’m also a man of integrity. I don’t reciprocate takes. I’m not someone who’s going to give you a singular opinion at any point of time, which is why I’ve concocted this brilliant one.

Who cares?

Here’s the deal: I could fill the next couple paragraphs with a bunch of uninspired puns like “It looks like Kraft has 7 rings now” or something but it wouldn’t be prudent. As I said, I’m a man of integrity, and as so, I’m not going to dump misinformed opinions into a WordPress document for shameless page clicks.

When it comes down to it, Robert Kraft had nothing to do with sex trafficking—which, according to Wikipedia, is NOT a good thing. Simply put, this was just a case of Bobby K getting his pipe cleaned in the Sunshine State and I have no problem with it. I’m sure he dropped a bomb tip and when you hoist Super Bowl hardware every year, you can swing your junk around a little bit.

In the words of Robert Kraft: “I’ve had many tugs, but this oneee is unequivocally, the sweetest…” – Joey Boats (@joey_boats)