Fried-Ay: Beijing Subway Cars, Miami Miracles, and Florida…

Okay, so it’s officially Friday, which means it’s Fried-ay: the greatest running blog series on the Internet unless you’re into structure. Last week, some lovely gentleman on Twitter felt the need to criticize these blogs, claiming they’re too scatterbrained. Uhhh, yeah bro. That’s the fucking point. That’s why I shamelessly offer a disclaimer before each one.

Disclaimer: This blog has no structure. It’s the sausage of the blog industry. Just a bunch of ideas stuffed into WordPress text editor like Chinese commuters in a Beijing subway car. It’s chaos. It’s love. It’s science. It’s Fried-ay…

So yeah, it’s a Friday night but I’m staying in because I have work tomorrow and definitely not because I don’t have friends (friends are overrated anyway). The Celtics are on and, coincidentally, they’re also getting their teeth kicked in Milwaukee. It’s halftime, Giannis has two FGs, and the C’s are getting curb stomped in a game in which they were down 26 at one point. This is not a drill…

In other sporting news, the Miami Dolphins just filed an application seeking trademark protection for the use—as well as any variation—of the phrase “Miami Miracle” because, obviously, when we’re all old and grey, we’ll be sitting on the porch telling our grandchildren about the time when the great Kenyan Drake finished off a ___ fluke in Week 14 against the Patriots to go 7-6 on the season. Furthermore, I guess they’re auctioning off the football as well, with experts predicting the final price tag will eclipse $20,000.

And this is, my friends, is why some teams win while others aimlessly flounder in mediocrity. The Dolphins haven’t won a postseason game since 2000. For those keeping score at home, it’s 2018; and if you do the math, that means Miami hasn’t experienced success in the month of January since an embarrassingly large fragment of our population was huddled in bomb shelters to avoid the chaotic repercussions of Y2k.

Now, I understand the Patriots aren’t looking so hot right now but I’ve been directing my frustration towards them all week and I need to dilute things a tad, and what better way to do that than attack an entity based in Florida.

Florida sucks. You couldn’t pay me enough to live in that place. Outside of Disney World (Epcot’s fucking sick), that place is essentially a vacant wasteland of toothless, meth-ridden blockheads with just enough wifi access to replicate contemporary living standards. That place still uses MySpace for God’s sake.

– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)