Breaking: The Real Reason Why Le’Veon Bell Is Holding Out
That’s right, last night at around 11:30pm I got a text from my close personal friend, Le’Veon Bell. He said he was having trouble sleeping and wanted to get a few things off his chest. Naturally, I told him that I was all ears and that he could tell me anything he wanted to, free of judgement. And that’s when he let me in on a little secret – the real reason he is holding out on the Steelers. Spoiler alert: it’s not his contract.
To properly tell this story, we should first back up a bit. Let me tell you about how I know Le’Veon.
It was 2010 and I was at Canobie Lake Park in Salem, New Hampshire getting all wet and wild with hundreds of my compatriots in the wave pool. Since I struggle as a swimmer, and am generally afraid of water, I chose to stand waist deep and jump up every time a wave came at me. However, after 10 minutes or so I started to get a bit cocky. I backed up deeper into the pool, until only my head was above the water. And that’s when the unthinkable happened – I was whisked away by a ferocious man-made wave and taken out to man-made sea.
As my lungs filled with water I prayed to anyone and anything I could – God, Allah, the cryogenically frozen head of Ted Williams, the movie National Treasure. Just as I thought hope was lost and this would be the end for me, a tattooed arm reached into the pool and pulled my limp, blue body out to safety. It was Le’Veon Bell.
Fast forward 8 years and the two of us are a couple of snap peas in a shopping cart, or whatever the saying is. We talk nearly every day. I know all about the mole he had on his buttocks that caused him to make numerus trips to the doctor, about his undying love for the movie Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, he even told me about the time when he was 14 and smoked mids out of a Diet Coke can that he poked holes in with a thumbtack. So that’s why it was no surprise when he confided in me why he isn’t playing for the Steelers this week.
Turns out, Le’Veon is working on a children’s book. The project has completely consumed him. When he wakes up in the morning it’s the first thing he thinks about. When he showers, he is thinking about the book. When he lays his head down to rest at night, you guessed it, he is thinking about the book.
Le’Veon told me that the premise of the book is this: Ruffles, a down-on-his-luck Boston Terrier, gets separated from his love interest while at a dog park. Ruffles goes on a quest to find his mate and encounters many obstacles along the way – a mean, hissing snake, hot pavement that burns his paws, rain showers that threaten to ruin his perfect fur, and even other dogs that have the hots for his love interest. However, through patience and determination, Ruffles is eventually reunited with his love and the two live happily ever after.
Unfortunately, as you all know from his playing style, Le’Veon is an extremely patient man himself. For that reason, he has yet to begin the book. But he did let me know that he plans to finish it at some point this football season. So for all you fantasy players out there, just hold on tight, your man will be back soon to save you by the Bell.
