Aunt Becky is an American Hero

Hey Guys,

I’m coming out of my cave to write a blog that needs to be written. Everyone who knows me know that I love 1990s TV…more specifically I love Full House and I love Boy Meets world. So, if anything could get me back on the keyboard its Corey Matthews being wrongly accused of selling counterfeit sneakers or Aunt Becky greasing the wheels of academia.

I tried to ignore the story for a few weeks now. I listened as the country unanimously called for Aunt Becky’s head. “Lock her up” – “Heat up the electric chair” – “Stop showing re-runs of Full House” – so here I am…here to say not only should Aunt Becky not go to jail; she is an American Hero.

Firstly, college is bullshit. Sure, it started as a good idea. And of course, some people need to go. Nobody ever wants to have to google “how to do surgery”. But overall, the juice is not worth the squeeze.

College tuition has tripled in the last twenty years. Why? Nobody knows. Is it more expensive to teach “Intro to Birds”? Are the books more costly? Oh, we pay for the books? Has the price of the chairs gone up? How much does is cost to take Intro to birds? 15,675 dollars? Okay, good. Is the class 24 hours a day? Do we live inside the classroom? Oh, we only meet once every second Thursday of the semester for 2 hours? How much do I need to know about birds for my first job? Nothing? Okay well maybe I won’t take it. Maybe, I’ll just pay for the classes I need. What? I need to take Intro to Birds to graduate? Okay, is it at least a challenging course that will enhance my ability to learn and gain an appreciation for the world around me? NO? The teacher doesn’t really show up that much and the course is taught by a kid (teacher’s assistant) who is 6 months older than me? And what’s that? I can pass the entire course if I do a 2-minute Power point presentation I made when I was drunk? Okay here is 15 thousand dollars.

That’s basically college in a nutshell. All our lives we are fed some bullshit about how we have to work our asses off in high school and stab the kid next to us so we can beat him on the SATs. Then we lock that same kid out of the soup kitchen so we can get more community service hours than him for our college application. We drown our friends to get into a better school all so we can bury ourselves in debt and– interest on that debt– all this to make half the amount of money as this kid we know who skipped college and became an electrician. He makes a motherfucking $100 dollars an hour?! We wear a tie everyday and can’t afford to have lunch! We paid 1 billion dollars to go to school just so we can have a professional picture on Linkedin?

So, forgive me for not being surprised that rich people like Aunt Becky game the system. The entire system is a game. Aunt Becky paid more money for her children to get into a school they didn’t deserve to get into. Do you know who else does that? Every other rich person in the world. Rich people get accepted to schools for a million different reasons. Stupid kids get into to awesome colleges everyday because of their lot in life. Charlie got into Yale because his Great Grandpa went to Yale when only 38 people were in the entire school. Charlie can’t do math and most likely steals people’s cellphone for sport.

Leave Aunt Becky alone. She’s smarter than you for figuring out a way around the façade. She robbed a group of criminals. She murdered a killer. She diddled a sex offender. I don’t care. I love Full House.

-Steak Jones