Okay, so unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past week, you understand that Pixar just dropped a couple teaser trailer for the new Toy Story, which will release this upcoming Summer.
So far, there’s been two teaser trailers and both provided a short glimpse into new characters that will, by all accounts, play significant roles in the fourth installment but I’ll get into those later in the week.
For the record, my least favorite Toy Story still lands among the top 25 movies I’ve ever seen. When people bring up the best trilogies of all time, you’re an idiot to suggest it doesn’t join the likes of the original Star Wars or Lord of the Rings. Understandably, Godfather and Godfather II are two of the best movies ever created but the third one went limp pretty quickly, however, I digress…
Anyway, without further adieu, here are all four Toy Story Movies, ranked from worst to best…
5. Toy Story 4
This was an absolute no-brainer. While all other Toy Story‘s offered us at least 1.5 hours of good fun, Toy Story 4 gave us a few minutes. It premiered on Twitter and never really gave us the plot layers and/or character development the previous three offered. Also, I really don’t like the spork…
As I said, I’ll get into this at a later time but this spork—named “Forky”—could prove deadly. I’m not saying he’ll singlehandedly dive-bomb the franchise but there’s a possibility here. Forky came here to chew bubblegum and devastate my childhood… and he’s all out of bubblegum.
Best Quote: “SUMMER 2019”
4. Toy Story 3
Here’s where things start to get testy. Understandably, a lot of people consider Toy Story 3 to be a near perfect final installment to the franchise. But guess what? It’s not the final installment and I’m smarter than you so shut up.
Toy Story 3 was sensational and one of the reasons I loved it so much is that Andy’s childhood somewhat coincided with mine. It premiered in 2010 so Andy essentially left for college the same time I did. If everything goes according to plan, Andy will appear in Toy Story 4 as a 26-year old depressed alcoholic with no occupational plan of action whatsoever but we’ll just have to wait and see…
Anyway, whenever people bring up this movie, they bring up how emotional the final scene—the one where they’re inches away from incineration—is. I’m not going to stand here like some hardo and claim it wasn’t a tear jerker, but it’s not the most emotional scene in the trilogy, nor does it feature the best heel turn. Those claims go to our number two selection…
Best Quote: “What’re you looking at, feathers?”
3. Toy Story
A lot of people tend to always give the nod to the original in favor of nostalgia or the sheer fact “it came first.” I’m not one of those people. I like The Godfather Part II and Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers better than the initial installments. That said, the original Toy Story was just a masterpiece.
It premiered in 1995, and at the time, it was a risk and a half for Pixar. Audiences at the time had never seen anything like it, and although I was too young to appreciate how groundbreaking it was from a technical standpoint, it felt “special.” From the opening scene—with Randy Newman’s “You’ve Got a Friend in Me”—on, you knew you were watching someone that would inevitably change the cinematic landscape.
Turns out, it did. If Toy Story didn’t kill, we wouldn’t have Pixar, and potentially, Steve Jobs may not have returned to Apple and I wouldn’t be typing this on a Macbook Pro right now. Talk about historic implications…
Final thing to note: the “I Will Go Sailing No More” scene where Buzz attempts to fly, only to eat porcelain flooring at Sid’s house is an all-time scene.
Best Quote: “We’re not aiming for the truck…”
2. Toy Story 2
And here is where I’m sure people will start debating but hear me out: I’m smarter than you so don’t worry about it.
Toy Story 2 hit theaters four years after the original in 1999 with some big cowboy boots to fill and they nailed it on all cylinders. People can gawk about how good the first and third installment was, but Toy Story 2 was a near perfect movie.
The biggest difficulty in sequels is the introduction of new characters. If you’re making a sequel, it means enough people liked the original ensemble that they wanted more; it also just so happens that people are resistant to change. People want you to play the hits, but as a filmmaker, you want to expand the universe and Pixar did it perfectly by adding Jessie and Bullseye. Not only did it give Woody a trusty sidekick and Buzz a semi-romantic counterpart, but it gave Woody some much needed depth.
The whole dynamic of Woody wanting to be adored forever really tested the loyalty to Andy and his friends, which almost single-handedly drove the plot from an emotional level.
Speaking of emotion, I mentioned that our number two selection featured the most emotional scene in the trilogy and I didn’t lie to you. If you sat through your first viewing of Toy Story 2 and didn’t at least blink repeatedly during the Jessie/Sarah McLachlin flashback, you don’t have a a pulse.
Between McLachlin and Celine Dion, leave it to Canadians to deliver the most emotional musical compositions in the history of cinema. For those keeping score at home, Randy Newman penned the song from that flashback as well, further cementing him as the GOAT.
Also, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that Lotso Bear from the third installment was essentially just a fluffier version of Stinky Pete. Furthermore, along with Stinky Pete as a villain, you ALSO had that fat piece of shit Al who owned the toy barn. Two all-time villains for the price of one…
Best Quote: “You never forget kids like Emily, or Andy, but they forget you…”
1. Small Soldiers
Not really but fuck the Gorgonites #MAGA2020
Best Quote: N/A
Joey Boats (@joey_boats)
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