You Won’t Believe It’s Almost New Years Eve

Hey Fellas,

It’s December 27th which means New Years is only 3-17 days away. (Who knows how many days are at the end of December).

I can’t wait for the big night! What’s more fun than spending 100 dollars to get into a bar so you can spend 15 dollars per drink? But that’s not all! My ticket also includes a FREE glass of champagne at midnight and a table of appetizers everyone at the party sneezed on.

Who cares about germs, though? I’ll throw caution to the wind as I sink my hands into two large bowls of crabs rangoon. The walk over to the party was beautiful but the arctic temperatures froze the tips of my fingers. Thank god for hot Chinese food.


Thirsty again? Well I better jump back into the mosh pit of blacked out party-goers to get my next round. Oh no! A drunk person spilled warm Budlight on me? Who cares?! I’m so blinded by the DJ’s strobe light I won’t even notice. So what if my suit jacket is ruined?!—- I only paid 250 bucks for it today when I panic shopped at 3pm.


Is that DJ pup dawg?

dj pup.jpg

Wow! It’s 11:45? I better hurry up and find my date so I can kiss him/her at midnight! After all, they’re basically done their antibiotics and pretty much barely have MONO anymore.


What a night! I can’t believe I’ll probably forget it.

Wow its 2 a.m. already? And I can’t find my friends?! And my phones dead?!


At least I’m the only person in the city trying to get an Uber right now.

Oh look it’s snowing!

Maybe I’ll lay down and die in the street.

Too bad I won’t get to use my $1,500 hotel room.


2019 is gonna be fuckin’ lit.

-Steak Jones

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