Why I Bought A Flame Thrower

It was a cold Wednesday morning in 2009. I sat in a chair at my Grandfather’s death bed. Machines pumped. Nurses wandered in and out. My Gramp had been clinging to life for weeks now. He’d been battling a nasty STD he picked up at a Sandals resort somewhere in the Bahamas. Things were looking grim. – – Finally, the moment came. He breathed deep and used the last of his strength to pull me close and mutter the words, “If a space-crazed billionaire ever sells an affordable Flame Thrower, don’t think twice, just buy it.“ Then, with a gasp, his eyes widened and his soul faded into the abyss.

Wow! Dark stuff. I’m also just kidding. I actually have two Grandpas and they’re both still alive.

Whatever. So, I bought a Flamethrower. More specifically, I bought this Flamethrower. 

…made by this 46 year old, billionaire, maniac.

Let’s start with the basics. Who is this?^ This is Elon Musk. I know very little about him. I don’t think he is Asian. Also, Why are you concerned if he’s Asian? Just let me write my blog.

All I really know is that he builds electric? cars. And Rocket Ships.  And he sells hats? ….Annnnd in his latest random endeavor has manufactured 20,000 Flamethrowers. (He basically does exactly what you would do if you were in 6th grade and found a billion dollars in a trash can.)

(Peep the video of the thrower below)

I was torn on whether or not to pull the trigger 😉 on the purchase. I stood in the mirror (shirtless) and said, “Should I buy a flamethrower for 500 bucks?”  Mirror me immediately replied, “Yeah, dude.” So I got my wallet,  put a shirt on,  climbed inside the internet, and bought one.

It ships in April so I can’t really give a review of the actual product. I was originally excited to torch squirrels “zombies” with it…

… but then I saw people were selling their pre-ordered Flamethrowers on Ebay for anywhere from $1,500 – $ 5,000 — I WAS RICH! … Until Ebay banned the sale of them because they’re supposedly a weapon? Fuck Ebay. What harm could someone possibly do with a fla —

– Steak Jones (@Steak_Jones)