Hey everyone. How was your Labor Day?
I’m here to announce to you that summer is over and football is beginning. The sun rises on the 2018 NFL season, just as the sun is starting to set on Thomas Edward Brady’s legendary career. Now, like many of you, I still hold out hope that he will play forever. I pray every night that Alex Guerrero has rubbed Tommy’s inner thighs long enough to make him immortal. But let’s face facts — even Jesus got murdered…
…Sort of. I know he came back for two or three days after he was hung and stabbed, but I’m not sure if he was fully back or not… like I know he had dinner with his friends but then I’m pretty sure he vanished again?
Either way — Tom Brady is getting old and eventually might stop playing football. And I came here today to tell you that NONE OF YOU fucking appreciate him enough. New England’s SUPER BOWL OR BUST mentality has blinded us from the fact that every snap we’ve watched Brady take has been a blessing.
Now let me illustrate the point of my blog with a very simple analogy. Tom Brady is like the Giving Tree from that book called the Giving Tree.
For those of you unfamiliar with the book, it’s about this little douchebag kid who’s 6 years old and he’s friends with a tree. He plays with the tree everyday. He sits on the branches and takes naps in its shade. He is very close with the tree. And then one day when the kid is 16 he starts being real weird. Like he has sex under the tree with a girl and he makes the tree watch. Then the kid gets even older and stops hanging out with the tree as much. He kind of leaves the tree in the dust. He starts to only show up every 10 or 12 years to take shit from the tree. For example, the kid rips off the trees apples to sell them to people and then he slices off the trees branches to make a house and stuff.
Then way later the kid is wicked old and he comes back and says, “Hey Tree, what else you got for me?” And the tree says, “Sorry boy, you took most of me already but I love you, so chop me down and take my trunk” So, the kid (who’s now an old man) cuts down his friend (the tree) to make a boat I think?
The story gets a little confusing for a few pages — But then at the end of the book the kid/old man, who in my opinion, is a fucking jerk, comes back to hangout with the tree and the tree is super upset because he is only a stump and has nothing left to offer the kid/old man/boy. But the old man is now so tired from abusing the tree for 50 years that all he wants to do is sit on the tree’s stump and relax. And the tree said that would be Ok because the tree loves the boy.
(Never in this book do they mention how the tree can talk– it’s still a good story but a quick blurb on how the tree can talk would have done wonders for me).
Anyway, all the tree wanted to do was make the boy happy so he let the boy steals his apples, and rip off his arms and cut him in half to make a boat.
And, I’m saying all that to say this, Tom Brady is that stump and Patriots’ fans are the asshole little boy. For years, all Tom wanted to do was win us super bowls and let us pick his apples. But we took him for granted. We got used to the super bowls. We made fun of his hair and long arms. We laughed when he wore big scarves and kissed his son on the lips. We let him go to jail for deflate gate all by himself. Nobody stepped up to help the tree even though the PSI of the footballs was in no way consistent or indicative of any wrong doing! Tom took the fall for all of us.
And I’m sorry to say I don’t think we deserve Tom Brady. He is a beautiful tree and as we all sit on his stump this year and watch him throw touchdowns until we cut him in half to make a boat, we should all feel really awful about ourselves.
And FUCK Jimmy Garrapolo. GO PATS!!
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– Steak Jones