No One Cares You Voted But Belichick’s Still The GOAT


Okay, so I haven’t been blogging much because I’ve been going through somewhat of a quarter-life crisis. It was my birthday on Monday and, in a state of panic, I whipped my Ford Fiesta down to Target (I don’t shop at Walmart because I’m a functioning component of society) and bought a Lego set, as well as one of the 60-card Pokémon starter packs—you know, the ones where you were guaranteed a hologram Machamp, as well as a laundry list of scrubs to fill your bench. I’ve also been listening to a lot of Elton John lately. Not sure what that means but it’s something I’d be remiss not to mention…

Anyway, a lot has happened since my last blog. In particular, the midterm elections were on Tuesday and, according to social media, people voted I guess. I’ve never understood the social infatuation with announcing to others that you voted. People act like it’s an accomplishment or something. It’s not. You drove down to your local high school, filled in a few bubbles with cheap lead, and submitted a ballot into some glorified paper shredder. I understand not all heroes wear capes but can we agree no one cares?

For the record, I’m not a genius, but at the same time, I sort of am. NO ONE has a better track record of destroying people on social media than me. I used to do it a lot but I’ve refined my behavior over the years. Back in college when I was bored, I used to sniff out morons on Facebook, bodybag them in comment sections, and celebrate with another Busch Light bottle and NHL 12. Now, I’m more mature. I celebrate with Mich Ultra…

The trick with murdering these clowns on the Internet is to avoid initial aggression. Most people see something and just spew their immediate opinion. That doesn’t work. People just chalk you up to being an asshole off the bat. Depending on what side of the political spectrum you’re arguing against, the strategy differs; however, sarcasm is always your best friend.

My LPC (Likes per Comment) and SD (Statuses Deleted) numbers are through the roof due to this strategy. Earlier today, someone on my feed—who I hope is reading this— posted that anyone who still supports Trump after yesterday “isn’t an American.” Instead of jumping down his throat with some dense, right-wing agenda, I simply requested that he keeps me updated on my citizenship throughout the year.

I’d send you a screenshot but he deleted the status after my comment. This is par for the course by the way. Everyone wants to spew their agenda until Joey Boats steps foot in the yard. Once I enter a discussion, you can hear a rat piss on cotton. I’m not proud of it, I’m not bragging about it, I’m just saying…

In the world of sports (so football), we have a couple emerging story lines. The first is that Bill Belichick is once again proving himself to be the best at turning garbage into gold. I’m of course talking about Malcolm Butler.

I was looking at some advanced analytics on Butler the other day. Evidently, he’s been one of the worst corners in football this year and last Monday against the Cowboys, he looked utterly LOST against Amari Cooper, who’s been in Dallas for a cup of coffee so far. For the record, I stand by the fact there is ABSOLUTELY NO reasonable justification for sitting Butler during the Super Bowl last year, but this is the type of stuff that Belichick does.

Belichick’s that guy who shows up to your yard sale, asks you about some piece of shit trinket you’ve thrown into a crate on the front lawn, buys it off you for even less than you were selling it for, and then flips it on eBay for a couple grand. It’s unbelievable…

The second piece of news I wanted to touch upon is that Dez Bryant is officially a Saint, which will most likely be his biggest task to date. With a stable front office, well-tenured head coach, and a veteran quarterback amidst one of the greatest seasons of his career, it’s going to take every ounce of “passion” left in Dez’s body to implode that locker room. It’ll be interesting to see if he still has the chops. Time will tell…

Joey Boats (joey_boats)

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