Milks: A Dissertation

2018. What a time to be alive. Did you know at this very moment in time planet earth is home to 11 Major types of Milk? I know. Neither did I. Let’s explore.

**Author’s Note**: I will not be going over each milk individually as I do not feel some of the milks earned or deserve recognition (I’m looking at you non-homogenized).

Tit-based milks:


These are obvious. The mainstream milks if you will. If milk was a popularity contest cow and breast (human) would be the prom king and the prom queen. You drink one when you’re a baby and suck down the other for the rest of your life.These are the blue collar milks. The milks of the people. The classics.

Cow milks vary from whole, to 2%, to skim, all the way to something called “raw” milk where I’m pretty sure you have to put your mouth on a cow.

Breast milk (human) only comes in one consistency as far as I know – – but don’t quote me on that.

Other notable tit-based milks are goat milk and dog milk (although I believe dog was discontinued in most counties). They’re the weird cousins of tit-based milks.

In recent years there have been several exciting advances in the milk game. The hot new milk in town is without question…



Scientists in Russia? started to milk nuts in the spring of 2007. What they discovered is that through a process called nut fusion one can extract milk from almonds, peanuts, and even…yes you guessed it, rice! Wow!


These new milks took the world by storm. Health nuts 😉 ate drank them up. People were putting nut milk in their coffee, in their cereal, shit some people even tried putting milk in their cars (even though it didn’t fucking work at all). The world was forever changed. Fitness freaks no longer had to choose between chugging gallons of milk and being healthy. They could now have their milk and drink it too!

Even people who enjoyed traditional milk but didn’t have access to a cow, or a sheep, or a dog hopped on the nut train. It was a revolution…but with milk.

Now that we’ve covered past and present milks, I’d like to turn our attention to what I like to call, obscure milks.

Rare/ Obscure Milks:

These are the holographic Charizards of milk. Rarely seen and wildly sought after. Legend has it some of these milks are actually protected by the FBI. Their black milket value could start wars. They are the blood diamonds of milk.

In fact, I’m pretty sure I could get arrested for even talking abou—-

-Steak Jones (@steak_jones)

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