I’m Devoting My Life To Becoming Wife-Carrying World Champion
No, I promise, it’s a sport: http://www.wife-carrying.org/
According to the most credible, accurate source in the world, Wikipedia, wife-carrying is a contest in which male competitors race while each carrying a female teammate. The objective is for the male to carry the female through a special obstacle track in the fastest time.
And in wife-carrying I think I can confidently say that I’ve finally found my niche. This really could be it, you guys. Rob Jones: World Champion Wife-Carrier. If that doesn’t roll off your tongue, then your tongue just sucks.
There are a couple things that lead me to this decision right off the bat:
- I cried laughing at the anguish on everyones face when I googled pictures of wife-carrying. Could not stop laughing. Just grade-A stuff.
- You DO NOT have to be legally married to the woman you carry. That’s huge for me seeing as I cant pay a girl to kiss me, let alone convince a girl to fuckin marry me.
- There is no weight limit for the female in the North American Championship, so until I get, like, actually strong, I can just carry around my niece who is ~40 pounds. Boom – North American Champ in my first year.
But the best part of wife-carrying are the different styles of carry that the teams can preform.
The Piggyback
The classic. The OG. The meat ‘n potatoes. I’d imagine, though, that this probably isn’t the most effect carry, especially if the woman partner hasn’t been working her forearms in the gym and/or if you aren’t into the whole being choked thing.
The Fireman’s Carry
Getting a little trickier here. I like to call this the dead body carry. Speaking of a dead body, one time in college I was a bit overserved and took a little lion snooze at the bottom of the stairs in our apartment. I also happen to be a verrrry heavy drunk sleeper. My buddy, like any good pal would, threw me up on his shoulders and trekked up two flights of stairs so your boy (me) could have a nice night sleep in his own bed. So yeah, you can’t unknow that now.
Estonian Style
This is expert shit only. Get your ass the hell out of the kitchen if you cant handle it ’cause the Estonian style carry is pure heat. Look at this woman! Hanging upside down like damn Capuchin monkey while simultaneously drowning in sweat-laden, muddy water. Meanwhile, homeboy is getting the airplane pillow treatment due to his partner’s toned cheeks. Talk about havin’ a day.
So, yeah. There really isn’t any reason why wife-carrying isn’t the top rated sport in the country, and why I’m not the best in the world at it. Forget what I said in my other blog about cornhole, wife-carry is the future.
P.S. How great is it that the first Wife-Carrying World Championship in 1992 gave the first prize winner his wife’s weight in beer? I love my sport.
– Rob Jones @RobDark_13