When it comes to intergalactic confrontation, no one can beat Shep Ramsay. Let me tell you something brother, when it comes to bad movies starring wrestlers, no one can beat Hulk Hogan. I know what all you jabronis are going to think, I am hating on an icon of the wrestling world. I can tell you that I am not, I am a sucker for bad movies starring wrestlers.
In 1989, Hulk Hogan decided to become Hollywood Hulk Hogan before he was “Hollywood Hulk Hogan” of the NWO in WCW. Hogan would star in an action movie called “No Holds Barred”. The movie would be his first major film since he was Thunderlips in “Rocky III” back in 1982. In “Rocky III”, Hogan got the name Thunderlips because he was “the ultimate male”, he would taunt his opponents by calling them a “meatball” and he had all the pretty ladies surrounding him. Let me tell you something my Hulkamaniacs, Thunderlips is getting all the ladies, but he doesn’t have that Ric Flair drip.
The film “No Holds Barred” didn’t fare so well because the film went up against Batman, Ghostbusters 2, Karate Kid III and Dead Poet’s Society. Batman would end up dropping the big leg on Hogan and the thought’s of Hogan running wild on Hollywood, that would fizzle out.
God created the Heavens, he created the earth! He created all the Hulkamaniacs! Then, he created a set of 24-inch pythons, brother! The big man upstairs may have given the Hulkster 24-inch pythons. But, he certainly did him no favors with his big screen choices.
Hogan would get a second chance and would star in “Suburban Commando”. Suburban Commando sounds like the free ballin’ I would do when walking the dog around the neighborhood. Fear not Couch Guy Sports followers, if you decide to go all “suburban commando”, please make sure you use promo code “couchguy20” or “LLP” at Manscaped.com so you’ll be hooked up with all the right tools for.. your tool.
Hogan would star as Shep Ramsey as a space-vigilante who has issues with his rocket and that would result in him spending time on Earth. He would land down in the middle of suburbia where he would rent a room from Charlie who was played by Christopher Lloyd. I spent $2.99 on this to rent and watch it. While this movie was bad, it was so bad I couldn’t stop watching. Hogan protecting the galaxy from space bad guys and has to be on Earth for six weeks. Hogan having to save Lloyd’s son in the movie and fight off a bounty hunter played by the Deadman himself, the Undertaker! I mean c’mon what more could you want? The Undertaker didn’t nearly get enough screen time during this movie like he deserved. Plus, he was actually funny in this movie.
Suburban Commando was really entertaining but overall it wasn’t a great flick. Even the Undertaker called it the “worst movie ever,” and would add, “it was awful. Truly, truly awful.” That film would go on to RIP the Deadman’s acting career but it would only propel Hogan to more entertainingly bad flicks. This movie would score a 15% on Rotten Tomatoes and when you watch it, you will see why. The name “Suburban Commando” sounds so Vince McMahon too, but he had nothing to do with this action flick.
I will forever be a Hulkamaniac for life. He was the reason why professional wrestling was huge in the 80’s. Plus, he was the pioneer in sports entertainment with Vince McMahon. He was the face of the New World Order, the NWO in WCW and he is the poster child for bad movies starring professional wrestlers.
To all my little Hulkamaniacs, say your prayers. Also, don’t forget to take your vitamins and check out Suburban Commando. You won’t be disappointed. Ok you will. So whatcha gonna do, when Hulkamania runs wild on you? You’ll watch Suburban Commando and you’ll thank me later.
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-Chris Henrique (@ChrisHenrique)