Fried-Ay: Tiger’s Back, Pat The Patriot, and Tipping Woes…
Okay, so it’s officially Friday, which means it’s Friday, which means I’m about to just brain dump a bunch of scatterbrained ideas into the WordPress text box. Considering I have a decent amount of the slate today, I’ll just get right into it.
For those who know me, you know I’m a HUGE Tiger guy. Tiger Woods was essentially the focus of roughly 70% of my blogs last Summer and there’s reason to be excited again because he’s fucking BACK (both physically and metaphorically).
For an update, he shot -2 in his opening round at the Farmers Insurance Open, leaving him 8 shots off the iron. Am I nervous? Of course not. It’s the first legitimate tournament of the year and every cocktail waitress in America knows he’s a better finisher than a starter. I’m just pumped he’s back…
Pat the Patriot got lit the fuck up yesterday by Jets’ safety Jamal Adams. If you haven’t seen the video, you can watch it here. Absolutely disgusting if you ask me. I guess the dude sought medical attention after the hit and instead of apologizing, Adams made sure to let everyone know that when he hurled his 6-foot, 215 lb frame into some unsuspecting dude with impaired vision due to a clunky costume, he didn’t intend to hurt anyone.
Since the video surfaced, every Patriot fan on God’s green Earth has criticized Jamal Adams. They’ve dragged his good name through the dirt for something I don’t think he deserves blame for.
Over the last 20 years, this Patriots franchise has operated with dignity, class, and an unrelenting allegiance to detail. Am I supposed to pretend that Pat, just because he hides behind a veil of fraudulence, is exempt from such a standard?
Keep your head on a God damn swivel, dude. This is the Pro Bowl—the biggest game of the season. All eyes are on Orlando this time of year and Pat’s out here strutting around like some chump. In a way, I’m kind of glad he got body bagged. It taught that punk a valuable lesson: When you represent the Patriots, look alive.
I went out to eat the other day at this place called Not Your Average Joe’s. It’s this nice little hipster restaurant chain In Massachusetts that specializes in, well, I don’t really know (I defy anyone who’s been there to suggest otherwise). Anyway, the food was excellent but that’s not why I bring this up.
The reason I bring this up because a tipping dilemma came into play and, for anyone who knows me, I’m a neurotic fuck who overthinks everything. For context, I ordered a turkey sandwich, which came to roughly $12 after tax. I normally use my debit card in this situation; however, I left it at a bar in Boston over the weekend and naturally didn’t care enough to Uber back in the morning to grab it.
At the time, all I had was a $20 so I left it on the bar. First things first, the bartender comes over and asks if I want change. Like yeah, woman, I don’t plan on tipping you $8 for a $12 order. She obliges and then heads to the register, only to return with a $5 bill and two $1 bills.
For the record, I’ve worked as a waiter for multiple restaurants for years and I’m generally a pretty generous tipper but this is a bullshit move. The correct tip for a $12 order—based on the 20% rule—would be $2.40. As I said, I conventionally tip more than 20% but given the current situation, I had to choose between tipping slightly less than that, or tipping over DOUBLE that. I’m not in the business of tipping over 40% on an order where you poured a glass of water and asked if I wanted a refill (I politely declined). That’s just not how things work.
Since I’m not a raging dickhead, I simply took my two dollars and left the five but when it’s all said and done, I contributed to injustice. Life shouldn’t work that way, and this woman has officially screwed over the next waitress who attempts to do the same to me. You opened up the floodgates, ma’am…
– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)
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