Guys, Guys, Guys! It’s Friday, which means it’s Fried-ay, which means it’s time to inform the powers at will that you CAN”T stop the inevitable, and that inevitability is the greatest series of blog installments on the face of this beautiful sphere we call EARTH BABY! It’s blue! It’s green! It rotates (or spins, IDK!!!)! And it’s heating up and we’ll all be toast in 100 years BECAUSE AL GORE SAID SO!!!
If you can’t tell, I just drilled pre workout but I felt it would be best if I pumped out this Fried-ay blog before I started eating plates so expect chaos (and grammatical errors). For those unfamiliar, I always explain what Fried-ay is before I eventually make you dumber through the vehicle of WordPress so here goes nothing: Fried-ay is where I just dump whatever I’m thinking at the time onto the Internet for your consumption because I’m philanthropic wordsmith who eats bologna. Let’s get into it.
I saw Pet Sematary on Tuesday. All in all, it was actually really good, which was surprising because I’m a cinematic hardo who often claims to not enjoy horror films. Normally, they’re just two hour blocks of unrealistic bullshit lathered in uninspired exposition and predictable jump scares. Pet Sematary, however, has all that shit but for some reason it just felt crisper.
Like the movie It, it’s based on yet another Stephen King novel. For the record, if you’re Stephen King, how do you date anyone? Being an author is a low key chick puller profession (just look at that clown Nicholas Sparks) but when you’re constantly writing books about digging up dead children, blood-filled elevator shafts, and pedophile/serial killer clowns, that’s a tough Tinder bio to write.
Anyway, one thing I noticed about horror movies is that they all consist of the SAME EXACT elements. There’s a strict formula to all of them. It’s like when Taco Bell unveils a new menu item. Like, I get the new “Hot and Spicy, Double-Stuffed Cheesey Gordita Crunchwrap Supreme” may look different than anything else on the menu, but it’s literally just ground beef, lettuce, tomato, cheese, beans, and tortilla delivered in a different format. I’m convinced the entire country of Mexico’s culinary palette consists of 5 ingredients.
Anyway, here are the core elements EVERY horror movie has:
- The family has to inexplicably move to the shittiest looking house of all time. Normally this is because the father got a new job or something. At first, the family loves the antiquitous nature of the structure; however, the first time the mother/father sees a grey-looking children with blood flowing from its ears in the backyard, it’s NEVER enough evidence to say “Alright, let’s talk to the realtor about this shit.” For some reason, the family can NEVER just leave. In a stroke of rationale, the fact that every member of the family has experienced some supernatural occurrence is chalked up to a bad dream. Like nooo, grandma was watching me sleep last night and she’s been dead for 12 years. Dad, get your money back…
- There’s ALWAYS a scene where the mother or father uncovers a strange, unexplainable drawing that their kid has made. He or she will walk into the room, scan the sheets of paper scribbled with a Burnt Sienna crayon and finally stumble upon one that looks like a girl with hair covering her face or something. Then the parent will hastily ask “who’s this?” and the kid will say something ridiculous like “That’s the girl. She talks to me.” Dad, get your money back…
- Lastly, there’s ALWAYS someone—most often an old guy who lives in the neighborhood—that knows about EVERYTHING, but for some reason won’t inform the family. This dude just speaks in riddles and metaphors until the very end, where he finally clarifies what’s going on. Like, what does this guy have to win by not telling the family? Is he working for the real estate agency or something? Dad, GET YOUR FUCKING MONEY BACK!
The second round of the Masters has just begun and once again, Tiger’s back. He’s currently sitting at -2, but unlike other Tiger performance teases throughout the year, he looked REALLY good yesterday. When that dude’s hitting it clean off the tee, I can live with the other shit. He missed about 50 4-footers yesterday and should’ve dogged it back into the clubhouse aroun 5 or 6-under but I don’t care, it’s a long tournament. Most of these guys at the top will collapse. Koepka scares me but that’s about it…
– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)