BREAKING PRIMARY NEWS: Bernie Sanders Hits Missiles and Launches Bombs

Bernie Sanders is the candidate that you wouldn’t expect to be the most athletic. But now it’s just something that you can’t ignore as a voter. We’re a country who is home to some of the best and top sports leagues in the entire world. We have Major League Baseball. The National Football League. The National Hockey League AND the National Basketball Association. Our Presidents NEVER pander with their athletic prowess. Let alone shove it right in our faces.

But this is now the second time that Presidential Candidate Bernie Sanders has decided to put his athletic ability on full display just to show the American people that if we did need somebody to fill in during I don’t know, maybe the Olympics? Maybe the World Baseball Classic? We’ve got a guy who can slide right into team USA’s lineup and they wouldn’t skip a beat.

First, we had him drilling basket after basket. It came to the point where you had to question whether or not Larry Bird shrank and developed a thick New York accent without any of us knowing.

The form. The ability. The sheer cockiness of it all. He knows he can hoop with the best of them and it’s something that he didn’t want the world to see. You know, think differently of him. He didn’t know the camera was there. He wants people to know him for his politics, not his basketball ability.

But now? Now it’s something that we can’t ignore and he knows that too. Yesterday, he decided to absolutely rope and launch baseballs into orbit.

He does this with little effort. Impeccable ability. He drives the head of the bat through the zone and rips those hips.

Imagine showing the rest of the world leaders this clip? Immediate submission. The United States would get whatever it wanted.

Forget about whatever campaign slogan he was slinging before. It’s now officially, Bernie Sanders: President of the Piss Missile.

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-Nick Quaglia (@NickQuag)


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