How Does Anyone Make it to Lunch?

What’s up guys? I write to you from a small desk somewhere in Southern New Hampshire. It’s 11:22am. Lunch is 38 minutes away but it might as well be next year. I’m typing this on pure adrenaline because my stomach is so empty. My arms feel like they weigh 90 pounds each (they might, I’m jacked).

I fucked up bad this morning. I have a pretty fake job and usually don’t get to work until about 9:45am. So on a regular day I wake up at 9:19am, eat an off-brand granola bar and leave for work at 9:31am. On the way into the office, I grab an Iced Coffee from Dunkin Donuts because I love their blue-collar spirit. The coffee and the granola bar are usually plenty of sustenance to carry me until 11:58 when I leave for lunch. Most of the time I get a little woozy on the way to eat but I have heart and toughness and can usually hang on until I get to the restaurant.

Anyway – last night, I tried for the 50th time to watch a Harry Potter movie and because I’m not a huge nerd, I fell asleep at 10:42pm out of pure boredom. I lack interest in wizards, sue me.

Point being: Today I woke up at 7am. Yeah, I know. Fucked up.

I had no idea what to do with all the extra time– but because I’m a man boy of habit, I ate my granola bar and left for work months too early.

Around 9:42am I started to feel however I think people with diabetes feel if they forget to have a sugar cookie in the middle of the night (I have no idea how diabetes works.)

I decided to try to go to the bathroom and pee as if that would help my situation. It did not. In fact, evacuating my bladder caused me to get dizzy. I slipped on my way out of the bathroom but did not fall. I was growing hungrier by the second. I chose to take a nap/ I passed out from starvation. Needless to say I just woke up and decided to type this to pass the time until it was time to eat….

….and it worked! See you squids after lunch.

P.S. I know you probably judged me pretty hard for saying I don’t get to work until 9:45am. But let me let you in on a little secret: I don’t get paid to go to work. I sell houses. If someone buys one I get to eat dinner for a few months. If nobody buys a house… well, I can only afford off brand granola bars for breakfast.

-Steak Jones

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