So yeah, last night was another exhausting night in the life of a Boston sports fan. It sucks, but someone has to do it. Now, normally I wake up the next day and give you a quick synopsis of the game, followed by a cornucopia of irreverent commentary on life you can’t get anywhere else but this morning is different. This morning, I feel like a fucking journalist; and as a journalist, it’s my job to inject hard-hitting, stove top analysis into your big vein Victor Conte-style.
I flirted with a couple of formats I could deliver this in, however, I came to the conclusion that framing my analysis through bullet points would be best. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But Joe, isn’t publishing a list of bulleted points concerning last night’s events just a shameful way to manufacture a blog post out of what your Twitter stream should already show?”
YES, which is why I’m naming this Tweets I Didn’t Tweet. For those keeping score at home, I hate Twitter. I feel like Twitter is just a breeding ground for toothless jackasses with just enough wi-fi access to convince the world they’re fundamentally useless. Not to mention, it seems like a remarkable place to get fired; therefore, I’ll just list my thoughts (in chronological order) here…
- Before I get into tonight’s main event, just a quick takeaway from the Dodgers/Brewers series: I don’t assume gender, but can we talk about how Manny Machado looks like a smug, male version of Ariana Grande? Just keep him away from Christian Yelich. Wouldn’t want any clubhouse drama to spill over.
- Joe West grew up with dinosaurs and I love him for it. Just one of those baseball lifers. Like, if baseball ever got canceled, Joe West would just disintegrate into dust like Thomas Haden Church at the end of Spiderman 3—a movie that shouldn’t have ever been allowed to hit theaters, let alone DVD because I bought it.
- Furthermore, I think Joe West should be the authority in delivering results. There’s just something about him delivering a call after convening with the video guys in New York that puts a smile on my face. I don’t care if its election results, if Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, or my ex-girlfriend’s pregnancy test—if there’s information to be delivered, I want to know from Joe West…
- There has been a shitload of hit batters this series and I’m surprised none of it has spilled over into extracurricular bullshit. One of my favorite aspects of baseball is the fact that you can overreact to stuff like a pitcher letting one slip on a 3-1 count. Clearly, a guy isn’t trying to bean you there, but these teams have played enough high-leverage situations where if a guy spits his sunflower seeds in the wrong direction, you’re justified in running one by his earhole.
- Devers should’ve started over Núñez this whole series. Neither guy is going to blow your dick off at third base so you might as well give the nod to the dude who’s batting .500 over the last two weeks.
- Taco Bell keeps promoting this Doritos Locos Tacos thing where if someone steals a base in the World Series, every Taco Bell drive-thru attendant will officially be put on suicide watch. I’ve made this rant before, but the concept behind the Doritos Locos Taco is why I love Taco Bell. To explain, Taco Bell created Doritos Locos Tacos, which are basically Doritos flavored tacos. Then, Doritos countered with Doritos Locos Tacos Doritos, which are Doritos flavored Tacos flavored Doritos. In other words, it’s only a matter of time until Taco Bell’s unveiling of Doritos Locos Tacos Doritos Doritos Locos Tacos, which would be Doritos Locos Tacos flavored Doritos flavored Doritos Locos Tacos…
- Fan interference on the Mookie attempt was a tough call but that was textbook. Such a great example of why Boston has the most intellectually sound fanbase on the planet. You would NEVER see a fan interfere with an athlete climbing the monster for a grab at Fenway…
- As average as Porcello tends to play, he just comes off as a gamer. Has that Jake Peavy vibe when the Sox had him. He’ll give you 6/7 innings of 3 run ball but how he does it is endearing.
- Josh James was untouchable for a bit. Hard-throwing guys out of the bullpen have such an advantage in these playoff environments. Nothing like a guy who can create that *pop* in the catcher’s mitt you can hear on the broadcast.
- Didn’t love the JBJ steal. Josh James is rolling and forcing a walk out of an at-bat you already struck out in just takes the wind out of the stadium. After all that, you steal, the catcher throws a strike down to second, and you immediately inject all that juice back into the crowd. Not to mention, Houston belted one out the very next at-bat to open the inning. Not what you want.
- Bregman’s such a tough guy to hate. He’s been nails, defensively. Third base has just been a web all series.
- Bogaerts just looks so composed out there. Hasn’t flinched once this postseason. The guy’s always carried himself with that swagger but when he’s producing at the dish, it just looks different.
- I want Joe Kelly to be a big game arm SO badly. Guy has the look, demeanor, and fastball of a shutdown bullpen guy but just can’t quite figure it out.
- JBJ absolutely CRUSHED that ball in the 6th. Another great piece of backbreaking, 2-out hitting. If you’re a Houston fan, you probably felt like me during last year’s Super Bowl. The Patriots defense just COULDN’T get off the field on third down and I can’t help but feel sympathy there.
- Brasier’s been an absolute buzzsaw since he’s been called up. Gotta love his story too. Just a year ago, that guy was flipping through channels on a hotel television in Japan. He was named the Spring training closer, served that role in Triple-A, got the call, and has been a rock ever since.
- Patience at the plate has been terrific tonight for the Sox. Forcing guys to go 6-7 pitches an at-bat really does a number on a bullpen and we’ll most likely see the effect of that tonight.
- I’ve 110% forgotten about Dustin Pedroia. Every time they cut to him on the broadcast is just weird. For the record, I’ve never been a big Pedroia guy. He was always the fourth or fifth guy I’d name when listing off Sox players during his tenure here. “Little Leader” my ass. Once Ortiz left, that dugout went to shit and he just watched it burn.
- Mookie’s laser to gun down the runner at second to start off the 8th was the type of play that wins you a series.
- Kimbrel’s eight-inning appearances should come with an ECG monitor or a bottle of Xanax. The guy gets the job done, but dear God, could you clean it up a bit?
- As a journalist, it’s my job to tell the truth, which is why I’ll admit I passed out going into the bottom of the ninth. I gave that blue collar, 9-5, middle America, salt of the earth type effort to get past midnight but I couldn’t do it any longer. I missed Benintendi’s grab but I saw it on Twitter this morning so it’s all good. Solid grab. He’s been critical this series and it’s good to see all these younger guys coming into their own on the biggest of stages.
For the record, this was a clunky article, but that’s what these tests are for! Tonight, I’ll most likely do the same exact thing, however, I’m going to segment my thoughts by inning or something to give you guys a better idea of what the fuck is actually going on…
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– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)