I’m gonna come clean about something I’ve been harboring for a long time. I’m obsessed with the New York Yankees.
And if you’re gonna sit there and tell me that hate watching isn’t a hobby, I got some news for you. Not only is hate watching a hobby, it’s an addiction.
Last night, while the Bruins were playing, the Yankees had a game with the Baltimore Orioles. I watched the Yankees. Mainly because it’s 2018 and normal people have two screens, so technically I watched both. The Yankees have played 7 games. When I’ve watched a part of their game, they’re 1-3. I’m not saying that I personally am a Yankee curse, but I’m not not saying that either.
I also have this weird thing of putting on a Yankee game and seeing bad things happen to them.
On Saturday, I saw the Yankees and Blue Jays were tied in the bottom of the 8th. So I put the game on. This is the first thing I saw
On Sunday, I saw Josh Donaldson was batting with a few runners on in a 4-3 game. I put the game on. Two batters later, this happened.
I might be a Yankee curse.
A lot of people have been talking about the reignited rivalry lately. I don’t want the rivalry back. Were 2003 and 2004 fun? Of course they were. But oh man do I want the Yankees to suck. I want Yankee fans to be miserable. I need them to suffer.
For me, it starts at the top with that stupid fucking cut your hair and shave your beard rule. They’re baseball players, not a damn Sunday morning choir group. They don’t need to look presentable for jack shit.
Then there’s Michael Kay and his smugness, which makes him the perfect Yankee broadcaster. Believe it or not, I don’t mind John Sterling because he’s hilariously awful and everyone knows it.
Then we get to the fans. In my 5 years of going to school in Yankee country, I could tell you that I’ve met the single most annoying Yankee fan on the planet. But if you know a Yankee fan, then you also know the most annoying Yankee fan on the planet, because they’re all the same fucking thing. Like they were all cut out of the same cloth and given a stupid gold chain and a head that a baseball cap doesn’t quite fit.
For the most part, Yankee fans are uneducated baseball fans, spewing nonsense about 27 rings. The educated Yankee baseball fan is like a unicorn, it’sa mythical being that you will probably never encounter.
I must’ve watched this video over 1,000 times during the offseason. It’s so Yankee fan it hurts. I drank his tears.
— JoezMcfly🇩🇴 (@JoezMcfLy) August 14, 2017
There’s also this guy. He makes it seem like he’s joking, but he’s really not.
Why has no one hit a HR yet. Its 3 hrs until game time. Stanton shouldve hit 6 by now. Judge should have 5 with a double and Sanchez 4. I dont get it.
— rob altman (@CoachAltmanWM) April 5, 2018
Go to Yankee Stadium (or watch on TV) and wait for Aaaron Judge, Giancarlo Stanton or Gary Sanchez to hit a routine flyball. Just wait for it. The crowd will roar in anticipation, only to see the ball get caught 20 feet shy of the warning track. It’s my favorite tradition in baseball.
Then there’s the weird obsession with Didi Gregorius, who has never hit .300, never had an OBP higher than .332 and never been an All-Star. Yet he’s the best shortstop in baseball apparently. Jk, he’s actually going to be the MVP of the American League. Silly me.
— FOX Sports: MLB (@MLBONFOX) April 5, 2018
Luis Severino will also be winning the Cy Young.
— FOX Sports: MLB (@MLBONFOX) April 5, 2018
I need the everything that makes Yankee fans happy to go horribly wrong. It’s like this deep rooted desire that I have. The Yankees bullpen makes Yankee fans happy, because it’s so clearly the best in baseball, right?
The Yankees bullpen ERA is now 7.32
— wallace matthews (@OysterBayBomber) April 6, 2018
And all we heard about for months was that Giancarlo Stanton was a Yankee and how he was gonna hit 2,000 homeruns this year for the Yankees.
Stanton’s last eight ABs: K K K K K HR K K
— wallace matthews (@OysterBayBomber) April 4, 2018
I have no tweet for this one, but fuck Aaron Judge. He’s much more the player that hit .228 in the second half last year, than the guy who hit .329 in the first half. It’s also more probable than not (piss off Goddell) that Judge will never hit 50 home runs again.
Long live Giancarlo Stanton 0-5, 5 strikeout games. Long live Aaron Judge being ugly. And long live Dellin Betances and Yankee bullpen meltdowns.
So join me in my weird, strange obsession with Yankee baseball. Maybe don’t get addicted to hate watching, it’s very unhealthy. Or do get addicted. All I know is that it’s a hell of a ride.
-Brian Borders (@bborders12)