What’s up guys? How is your Wednesday? I hope my click-baity title lead you to this blog. I’ve been trying to get more provocative with my titles. Stuff like, “click this for cash!” or “you’ll never believe which Backstreet Boy is dead?!”
Either way, I’m glad you are curious as to the future of American Sports. Unfortunately, I think most of you will find my message grim. In fact, this blog alone may get me fired from couch guy sports. But sadly, its my duty to report professional sports are dying quickly in this country.
Baseball is too fucking long. (Personally I disagee, I would watch a 200 hour game but that’s just because I love it). The general public and their small brains have been bitching and moaning for years about how long the games are. Fat Americans can’t possibly sit on the couch and stuff their faces for an entire 3 hour baseball game — even though they have no problem binging 19 hours of Game of Thrones. Viewership is down. People are allergic to being outside. Baseball is taking on water and fast.
Football. Well this is sort of obvious. Viewership is strong. Merchandise sales look good — but football players’s brains are leaking out of their heads. With athletes getting faster and stronger its only a matter of time before people are literally decapitated. Forget CTE — there will be a HEAD BOY who’s job it is to run out on the field between plays and scoop up running back’s brains.
Soccer? Yeah, okay shutup.
Hockey is cool but…… well I’m not saying its a racist sport but something feels weird about it. Kinda how there’s nothing overtly illegal about making out with your dog but you know it’s kind of fucked up.
Basketball — well IMO basketball is stupid. Have you been to a basketball game recently? The player’s can touch the top of the backboard. Putting 10 giants on that small of a court makes zero sense. I’ll admit it looks cool on TV but– when you go to the game and all the players are at one end it looks like a bunch of elephants stuffed in a subway car. Oh you can dunk? You’re 6 inches shorter than the fuckin’ hoop! Does anyone want to come to my driveway and watch me throw down on a Little Tikes hoop? (you actually should its kind of sick) — ANYWAY, Basketball? DEAD!
So where am I going with all this? What will ESPN be broadcasting in 2045? Well, my friends do not worry. Because Men’s Slow Pitch Softball will save us all!
If you’re upset I’ve made you read 876 words just to get to this point well my bad– but I also don’t care. Slow pitch softball is the fucking shit. The games are short enough where people won’t lose interest. There’s very little contact other than the occasional guy running into his own pickup truck — so player’s brains are safe. The field allows the athletes for plenty of room to tear hamstrings and not pay child support. It fixes every problem that is currently plaguing sports in the U.S — (other than small doses of racism… but its usually lighthearted? That sounds terrible. I don’t know it definitely has racist tendencies but I would say overall its not very racist… well its probably less racist than hockey… not that hockey is racist because — you know P.K. Subban — fuck I’m in a little bit of a word pickle hear. I don’t know–forget I wrote this blog altogether but just know that I hate racism.)