Danny Amendola shocked Patriots nation today when news broke that he is expected to sign with Pat’s AFC East
rival punching bag, the Miami Dolphins. As far as I know nothing is official but after extensive research (I looked at twitter for five minutes) it seems he is headed to South Florida.
I’m sure all the major outlets are turning to the airwaves to give their best guess as to why Amendola abandoned New England. They’ll guess money, playing time, weather, blah blah blah… In my opinion, the reason for Dola’s exit is pretty cut and dry. He’s not ready to go back to being the 3rd hottest guy on the Patriots.
Let’s get the obvious out of the way. Amendola is handsome. Kind of in an everyday way like how a plumber can be good looking. He’s been playing the stubble game lately and rocks a $750 hair cut. Admirable. He’s even dating former Miss Universe, Olivia Culpo. Not bad.
But facts are facts, he’s sharing the field with the hottest guy on the planet, a god amongst mortals, Thomas Edward Brady. You may have heard of him. He’s won
eight five Super Bowls and is married to one of the most iconic super models in history. Let’s just say he’s a little more than “plumber cute”. That’s not a knock on Danny either. Squidward is an icon in Bikini Botton…but he’s no fucking Spongebob.
I’m sure you can tell where I’m headed next…
Danny got to soak up some shine this year as second hottest while Julian Edelman was out for the season with a torn ACL. But Jules is coming back with a new knee and undoubtedly a new leather jacket. Danny knew he’d be in for a fashion dogfight to hold the #2 spot with a force like Edelman back in the lineup…And frankly, I don’t think it was a fight Danny wanted any part of.
So what did our boy do? He googled “cool places to play football if you’re handsome” and up popped Miami. Danny glanced over the Dolphin’s roster seeing he could easily overtake Ryan Tannehill’s generic wheat bread good looks. Jay Cutler’s name also drew attention, but after a quick YAHOO IMAGE search, Danny saw that the years haven’t been kind to the water-logged Cutler.
It was pretty simple, Danny could effortlessly be the hottest guy on the Dolphins. The decision was made. Danny is out.
So long, ugly. I hope you get a sunburn.