What’s up? It’s 1:38 pm on a Sunday. You just finished up lunch at Chili’s. You had a Cheeseburger. But you’re a dumb, stupid, asshole who thought it was a good idea to get an appetizer with your meal. You flew too close to the sun ordering Sunday morning calamari. You’re also wearing jeans because you try too hard at life and decided sweatpants were beneath you. Your stomach feels weird and things are going south quickly. The bad news is you’re not going home. You agreed to run nine errands after lunch because once again you’re a dumb stupid asshole. Your stomach pain is growing worse. The situation is becoming dire.
You need answers and you need them quickly — and your most pressing question is — Which of these errand stores has a bathroom I can use?- – – – And when I say use, I mean USE. And when I say USE, I mean take a shit in..
ANYWAY – – you came to the right place.
Here is MY breakdown of the 5 “Errand” Stores with the best bathrooms.
**quick note: This list will only include stores that people go to when they say they are “running errands.” Places like restaurants and gas stations will not be on this list. (Why? Cause I said so. How about that?)
NUMBER FIVE: TARGET
Leading off our list is every guy’s nightmare. Target. This is a bit of a wild card in the #5 spot. Why? Well, because I don’t even know if Target has bathrooms. I’m usually so lost/scared/disoriented in this place I don’t know which way is up . Can you blame me? Let me ask you this. Have you ever reached the back of Target? Like have you seen the end of the store? Does Target have a finite amount of square footage? One time I walked in a straight line for two days and just kept ending up in the electronics department. Aisle 12 may be a worm hole. I don’t have asthma but when I go in Target I bring an inhaler just in case I develop the disease in the 6 years that I’m trapped inside.
But I digress.
Right now you’re asking yourself — Why is this kid putting Target on the list if he’s never used their bathroom? Well, dummy — I put it on the list because Target is a bathroom. I’m not saying the floor is a toilet – – BUT in the event that you do have an accident, Target has everything you’d need to remedy the situation (or shituation. Get it?–Poop). They’ve got toilet paper, baby wipes, air fresheners, new underwear – -shit – – they even have costumes so you can disguise yourself — because you’re a disgusting troll who just shit your pants in Target.
NUMBER FOUR: Kohls
So you’re in Kohl’s with a stomach ache? You must have done some horrible shit in your life to end up in this sort of hell. – – Move quickly. There is little time. You’re probably through the doors at this point. That’s good. HIT THE FLOOR. NOW! You have to crawl through the registers. Each check out station has a line of 75 mothers shrieking and waving fistfuls of coupons at a frightened cashier. GET BACK UP TO YOUR FEET. That was close. Keep your head on a swivel. Eyes in front. You should see a woman in front of you stocking shelves. Her name is most likely Janice. Ignore Janice. She wants to help you. Don’t let her. She’ll slow you down just long enough for you to have a Target incident. WAVE OFF JANICE. Good. Move quicker. We’re losing time. You’re going to come up on a sign. It’s very big. It reads, “Khakis – 100 pairs for 4 dollars.” What a bargain! Is it a mirage? No. It’s Kohl’s. The deals in this place are unbelievable. But there’s no time. Ignore it. IGNORE THE DEAL ON KHAKIS. Face front. Be aware of your surroundings. You should be close… THERE IT IS. The bathroom.
Similar to Target, I’ve also never been in a Kohl’s bathroom. Mostly because I’m not a savage who orders Shrimp Scampi in the middle of the day. But just go in. I’m sure its fine.
NUMBER THREE: BED BATH & BEYOND
This one is kind of a no brainer. They have bathroom right in the name. Go poop, idiot.
NUMBER TWO: The Mall
You’ve got to be fucking shitting 😉 me. What the hell are you doing at the mall on a Sunday? How bad do you need to go to Abercrombie? I honestly hope you shit your pants.
I’m sorry. Let’s try and focus. The mall is number two on the list because I am getting tired and the mall just popped in my head. In actuality, this is probably an AWFUL place to go to the bathroom. I pissed my pants in the Disney Store (R.I.P.) when I was 8 and my mom and a security guard took me to a secret bathroom to get cleaned up. All I remember is a series of tunnels.
Good luck, dude.
NUMBER ONE: HOME DEPOT
HOME DEPOT – Now, I know I’ve joked a lot in this blog. It’s almost like I’ve never even used any of these bathrooms before yet have the audacity to rank them. For that I apologize. BUT trust me when I tell you…I’ve gone to the Bathroom in Home Depot. – – And. It. Was. Breathtaking.
Have you ever wandered around Home Depot? Have you looked at the tiles that are made of solid gold and thought to yourself who can afford this? Or seen the $10,000 toilets Bill Gates dreamt up? Or the sinks made of snake skin?–or the snakes made of sink skin? YOU GET THE POINT. All that expensive shit is IN the Home Depot bathroom. Don’t take my word for it. Go inside. It’s got marble floors. It’s got smart toilets. It’s got stainless steel appliances. It’s got shrubbery. It’s got your uncle who you usually only see on Thanksgiving. It’s got a not-yet-released video game console called X-BOX Dieceseis. It has Everything. It’s NUTS. It’s like no place I’ve ever been. In fact, just between you and me, sometimes when I’m at my house and nature calls, I get in my car and go use the bathroom at Home Depot.