During the course of a week, there are plenty of sports stories. Some are pretty in your face, others are much less talked about. Then there are the stories that you only see if you truly dig through the dregs of ESPN and Twitter while you’re bored at work. I’m not saying that’s what I did, although my options were digging through Twitter or taking a nap (probably should’ve gone for that nap, lets be honest here.) So here it is, the first of a weekly installment of the most random sports stories I found this week:
- Tom Brady once got bit by a military dog after practice.
Nora Princiotti (not to be confused with Donna Pinciotti) tweeted out this bombshell back on Wednesday, which of course sent the New England media into a frenzy. The tweet has since been deleted, because the vast majority of New England simultaneously went into cardiac arrest. The dead giveaway in the tweet should have been the word scar, since you know scars can’t form overnight. But that’s some doctor knowledge, so whatever. Still a weird time for Tom to drop this story.
2. Joakim Noah still plays basketball.
In a mutual decision, Joakim Noah will not be back with the Knicks until further notice, a team official says. Knicks are hoping to trade him before the deadline, but that seems highly unlikely.
— Ian Begley (@IanBegley) February 2, 2018
HAHA jk, the ghost of Joakim Noah just kinda sits on the bench at Knicks games and collects his pay check. Noah is getting paid about $17.8 million this year. He’s appeared in 7 games, and played a whopping 40 minutes. As the tweet above from Ian Begley indicates, Noah is not likely to play ever again for the Knicks, so his playing days are just about over. So then let’s crunch some numbers: 17.8 million over 7 games is over 2.5 million per game. 17.8 million over 40 minutes is about 450K per minute played. I mean, this guy is living the American dream.
*Others nominated for this position included Loul Deng (making $18 mil, has played 13 minutes) and Timofey Mozgoz ($16 million, 14 starts, being paid by two separate teams)
3. Shelby Miller Wins Arbitration Case
How the hell did this one happen? I mean sure, its only a $200K salary raise, but still. Miller hasn’t pitched in the big leagues since May. Yet the arbitration panel decided he needed a little bump in salary? Uhh, okay guys.
4. Justin Thomas annihilated a golf ball
— PGA TOUR (@PGATOUR) February 2, 2018
I’ve really got nothing crafty for this one. That ball was like Dustin Johnson levels of demolished.
5. Mark Appel “Steps Away” from Baseball
I don’t mean to mock someone when they’re clearly down, but holy hell was this guy a bust. I bet the Houston Astros feel like the biggest assholes on the planet right now. Appel was the #1 overall pick in 2013 (he was also #8 overall in 2012), and was selected immediately before Kris Bryant. Imagine passing on Kris Bryant, in any aspect of life. If those baby blues don’t make your heart feel things, you’re just living life wrong. It’s hard to whiff on something this badly. Appel went on to say he has many interests beyond baseball and a Stanford degree (sweet humble brag bro). Appel will be just fine in life, but the Astros didn’t draft him and the Phillies didn’t trade for him so that he could have a successful life as an insurance salesman. (Colin Moran is also pictured below; he currently has a broken face)
6. Mike Fisher is coming back to the Nashville Predators
This is a cool little story. Fisher was the captain of the Predators last year, and was on the team that played in the Stanley Cup Finals. He’ll be a good leader and a good guy to have in the dressing room. In an unrelated note, this has been a great week for dead carcasses in the sports world. First Joakim Noah, now this. Next thing you know, someone is gonna tell me Jaromir Jagr is still playing hockey. Oh wait….
7. Jaromir Jagr is still freaking playing hockey
I don’t even know what to say at this point. How is this guy still chugging along? The Calgary Flames released Jagr, who signed with the team he owns in the Czech Republic (talk about your easy negotiations). Jagr claimed that playing the Czech league was all about staying in shape, which leads me to believe Jagr is coming back to the NHL in 2018-19. At 46.
With Jagr gone, I want to share my favorite obscure stat about him. While on the podcast this summer I looked up Jagr’s elite prospects page to see something, and noticed during the 94 lockout he played a single game in the Germany3 league. One game. 1 goal, 10 assists, 11 points
— Joe Fortunato (@JoeFortunatoBSB) January 29, 2018
Btw there are some legendary stories about Jagr. This one is one of my favorites. Just casually an 11 point per game player in Germany. My other favorite Jagr story will never show up in any tweets, but it’s well known within the hockey world that Jagr is was at one point in time a degenerate gambler. Many believe that is the real reason Jagr left the NHL from 2008-2011.
8. Brad Marchand is Beautiful
I’m not sure exactly why he wants this parrot to kiss him, but it’s spectacular.
9. This Guy
Last night we captured surveillance footage of a vandal trying to break in to one of our employee’s vehicles in our parking lot. While the suspect is still at large, we took the liberty to have John Curley give his play-by-play of the incident.
Take a listen 🔊 pic.twitter.com/FYQTiJsTDt
— KIRO Radio 97.3 FM🎙 (@KIRORadio) February 1, 2018
I’m not sure what the hell this guy was doing, or why he chose to do it with a mop. I also NEED to know what the end plan was. Side note: this is probably the best play by play you’ll hear all week. My apologies to Al Michaels.
10. ESPN2 Covered a Madden Tournament
It’s crazy how fast e sports are growing. This aired last night at the same time as the 30 for 30 on Belichick and Parcells, so I highly doubt anyone watched it. The two finalists were GOS (who’s 20) and Eric “Problem” Wright (who people seem to think is the goat.) GOS won, representing the Washington Redskins. He made $35K, so definitely not bad for winning a Madden tournament. Oh and both finalists also got tickets to the Super Bowl. Pretty sweet deal.
Got any other crazy stories? Send them to me on Twitter @bborders12. I’m always looking for some cool stuff to talk about
Written by: Brian Borders (@bborders12)